i am

i might look strong,

but i'm not made of steel.

i might look innocent,

but i'm not an angel.

maybe you're just not seeing what you're supposed to see.

and there's nothing perfect in this place called earth.

a little more effort to look clearer. a little more care to understand.

not trying to show, not trying to hide.

just the way you should try to find out ;)

JC 1B

akhirnya gue masuk JC juga.

awalnya gue sebel banget sama bonyok, bokap terutama. soalnya dia kayak udah bikin gue pusing, dan akhirnya pilihan gue juga yang di ambil.

itu nyebelinnya banget banget loh. dan gue cuma bisa pasrah.

walaupun hubungan gue sama bonyok juga masih rada ga enak, gara-gara gue sempet pergi terus hape gue mati dan lupa kasi kabar, dan mereka marah. tapi udah ga terlalu kenapa kenapa sih.

i will have my id card soon !

ga nyangka juga ternyata ktp gue bisa di bikin secepet ini. habis ini sim gue juga mau di urus, dan bokap gue lagi ngurus mau beli mobil baru.

bukannya sombong, cuma mau update aja.

just wanna share some of my happiness :)

tapi untuk sementara gue ga boleh nyetir, sampe sim gue keluar. bokap gue terakhir udah marah-marah. katanya gue ngelanggar aturan negara. hahahah

di JC gue ambil business sekarang, dan gue niat belajar beneran. ya mudah-mudahan beneran gue lakuin lah. kalo bisa juga hari ini gue mau belajar maths. ngejar yang ketinggalan. doain aja mudah-mudahan dua taun lagi nilai A level gue bagus :)

dan gue seneng juga sih masuk kelas ini. emang ni kelas asik banget. orang-orangnya rame. dan walopun ga ada murid baru, yang ganteng (ngarep ! hahah) tapi tetep aja. i think i will enjoy the rest of my academic year with this people.

i love ! ;)

surabaya

gue lagi di surabaya nih. sekarang lagi di sheraton hotel.

sepupu gue is having her wedding here. so, while i'm waiting.

here i am in the lounge, having a quick update.

soalnya susah juga mau update blog. secara gue ga bawa laptop.

dan gue baliknya masih selasa.

kemaren gue sempet sebel banget sama bokap.

bayangin dong, hari senin yang lain udah pada mau sekolah, dan baru hari itu dia mulai nanyain soal sekolah.

tadinya gue hampir masuk JC.

HAMPIR.

tapi sayangnya ga kesampean. dan sampe sekarang gue masih rada worried soal urusan gue yang ke aussie.

btw gue batal ke cina.

my mom was the one comforted me. she knew i was scared.

yes, i was scared of the future and the possibilities.

she told me her story and she really made me feel better.

that's what i like about her.

she really knows how to make people feel better and comfortable.

although at times she could be really talkative and annoying.

but that's just the way i love her.

like the promise i made back then.

i'll be on the top someday.

and it'd be all for her.

for her faith in me.

for her confidence and trust.

can't just explain how much i love her.

surabaya may be a bad place to be right now. but well, i can't runaway eh?

best day ever :)

hari ini glo ulangtaun, dan sempet kita di traktir di strawberry cafe.
tadinya gue mau upload some photos, tapi internet gue lagi rada resek, jadi gue males. mungkin besok ato kapan deh, kalo internetnya udah bagusan dikit gue upload. buat sekarang, gue cerita aja dulu.

paginya glo di kasi surprise, gue udah ngomong sih sama nyokapnya kalo kita bakal dateng jam 2an. trus sukses kita bikin dia kaget. pas pasan kita dateng, dia baru selese mandi. udah gitu, si glo tadinya ga tau kalo jan udah ada di jakarta. jadi surprise tambahan :)

udah gitu mereka sempet karaokean, tapi gue ga ikut. gue pulang dulu ke rumah, soalnya gue rada cape, jadi gue istirahat bentar di rumah. udah gitu kita di traktir di strawberry cafe. tapi pas gue dateng, si jan udah pulang.

sumpah asik banget tadi, gue teriak teriak sampe tenggorokan gue sakit. seru juga ada surprise special dari cafe strawberry nya dan kita juga sempet nyobain jumanji :D it was really fun. and i really enjoyed it.

a better me

i'm reading this book, by joel osteen, tittled "become a better you", and i learned much from it, although i haven't finished it yet.

i was reading the chapter where he was telling us that we should feel good about ourselves. and i agree with him.
so many people are feeling accused with the mistakes and poor choices they've made. they feel down and low most of the time. weeping around, moping for the things they've done, and still not doing anything to fix that. and that used to happen to me too. if you've read my previous posts, i think there was a post where i mentioned that i was feeling very insecure and not comfortable with myself.

the truth is, staring at those pasts, over-thinking them, wouldn't change anything. moreover, it won't do you any good. it would only make you feel worse. and it would hold you back from what you're actually capable of.

it would be such a loss. you should know that we, humans, are created special. we're capable of so many things. we have feelings, and insight that other creatures do not have. and meanwhile, we're just gonna waste that away? making poor choices by going through the wrong path, like using drugs, cheating, and living like there's no hope.

there's always hope. even for those who really messed up.

wake up ! life's too short to be wasted just like that. there are things that you should try, learn, and do.
mistakes aren't supposed to back us down. they're supposed to support us with the lessons we take from it. that's the way it should be.

we should always feel good about ourselves. because we're created special. and though we're not perfect, we're growing and learning. be happy for whoever you are. because you are unique. you are special. and more importantly, you are loved :)

aussie

sepertinya gue batal ke cina.
entah, rencana sekolah gue ganti ganti mulu.
sampe cape gue ngurusinnya, kayaknya gue udah pasrah aja deh. terserah bonyok gue maunya gue kemana. gue pusing mikirinnya.

yang terakhir mau ke cina aja ternyata belom di urusin. tapi sekarang lagi di urusin sih surat surat yang mau ke aussie. yaa, kita liat aja deh ntar :)

just something you should know :)

a thought about kace

i've been thinking about this.

about my comfortable nickname my former teachers from elementary school gave me.

kace.

i've been called kace for so long now i feel weird to be called karen.

but then, soon, i'll have to let go of that name.

as i'm growing up, i don't think i'll stick with kace as a nickname.

kace.

it sounds so homie,

so comfortable,

that's why people who doesn't know me that well wouldn't call me kace.

because for me, that name is special, somehow :)

kace has its own memories. she'll bury those treasures safely. and as for karen, she has to move on, she has to grow. there's still so much to learn, to achieve and to embrace.

her name. is. karen-kace

nonton bareng di grand mahakam

cina

gue ngamuk sama nyokap gue.

MARAH. BANGET.

masalahnya urusan gue ke cina belom beres sampe sekarang. gue belom daftar di sekolahnya, dan dia ngomong ngomong terus gue bakal ke cina.

SAMPAH.

dia tuh aneh. masa minta tolong temennya, yang udah jelas jelas keliatan kayak ga mau nolong. gue sih MALES. BANGET.

udah gue bilangin minta tolong agent aja.

tadi udah ke agent sih, tapi ga tau deh. kalo sampe dia masih ngotot mau urus sendiri. SUMPAH.

udah gitu di bawah rumah gue tuh ada tempat les. tempatnya enak gitu, dan emang ada program buat yang mau pergi.
sayangnya karena nyokap gue ANEH. gue end up les private di kebon jeruk.

okelah, gurunya bagus, cuma kan kalo gue les di kelas kayak gitu gue bisa dapet temen dan gue ga sendirian di cina.

ANJRIT SUMPAH GUE PENGEN NGAMUK MAU MARAH KESEL BANGET GA BOONG.

lo tau ga sih, anaknya temen nyokap gue yang mau ke cina tuh ada temennya. trus gue sama siapa? ANJIR.

wortel

pagi ini perut gue sakit banget ga nahan.
belom lagi badan gue sakit semua.
sengsara banget sumpah.
mana mata gue belom enakkan, masih kayak rada berat gitu.
udah gitu, mestinya besok gue nonton bareng final world cup nih sama yang lain,
cuma nyokap gue ga ngasi. tapi ntar gitta mau ngomong sama nyokap gue sih lewat telpon.
ya mudah mudahan aja di kasi.

sejujurnya hari ini gue males banget ke gereja.
emang gue ga pernah niat sih ke gereja, kecuali ada temennya.

oh iya, soal mata gue yang ga enak. gue jadi niat makan wortel yang banyak nih, biar mata gue ga minus lagi. hahah.
tapi kalo ngemilin wortel gitu aja ga enak kan.
terus gue ber ide,
gue makanin wortelnya pake mayonaise sama sambel, tapi wortelnya di parut gitu, biar kayak salad yang di hokben. muahahah. i'm a genius !
sama gue juga mau rutin minum vitamin a.
soalnya nyokap gue udah ga ngasi gue pake softlens lagi.
jadi yaa, mudah mudahan minus gue berkurang deh setelah gue rutin ginian hahah

the doors

for me, opportunities are like doors.

i believe that you've heard about this quote that sounds like :
"when one door is closed, God will open another."

not that i don't believe in God. but i believe that we also have to do our part in our lives.
like opening these doors for example.

many people are just so lazy, they think when they sit down and wait God will open the door just like that.
but hey ! wake up ! it doesn't work that way.

when you wait. you pray, you work, you put your best, you open the doors.

but when the doors are locked, it's when God will do His part to open them for us.

it's just the way it is.

i know it's all complicated, and you have to experience it yourself to actually understand.

but keep in mind that He's always there, watching over us :)

new experiences

mata gue bengkak.

badan gue sakit.

dan gue cape banget.

but the last two days has been really fun.
akhirnya gue nyoba juga thai boxing. di daerah darmnawangsa, dan sumpah itu seru banget. and best of all, i've got to burn some fat, although it was very exhausting. but i did have fun.

kalo ada yang tertarik thai boxing, bisa nyoba tuh di jln. panglima polim 2 no.2 di deket darmawangsa square. harganya cuma 50rb per dateng, tapi enakkan pas malem sih kata su lyn. kalo pagi latihannya lebih serius. kalo malem, lebih kayak asik gitu.

terus tadi pagi gue sempet ikut cooking class di ranch market.
sebenernya asik sih. cuma karena gue ga ada temen. dan gue stuck sama ibu ibu semuanya, jadi rada membosankan.
nah kalo di ranch market ini, harganya 150rb per class. dan dia adanya cuma tiap sabtu doang. terus tiap minggu menu sama chefnya beda beda.
lebih seru kalo bawa temen sih buat aktifitas kayak gini :)

yang belom kesampean gue cobaihn itu wall climbing. katanya sih ada di pasar festival, di daerah kuningan. tapi si kharis lagi sakit. dan gue belom ada temennya nih mau kesana hahaha. jadi mungkin gue nunggu si kharis sembuh dulu :P

habis itu gue juga pengen gokart. sama pengen naik kuda.

kalo gokart sih kayaknya temen gue ada yang tau tempatnya. nah tinggal naikkuda nih.
denger denger sih di daerah cinere ada. tapi masih ngga tau deh. liat ntar lah. kalo misalnya gue udah coba, ntar i'll share my experience with you guys :)

"we don't wait for opportunities,

we create them."

-anand krishna, youth challenges

and empowerment

happy birthday dad !

who am i?

i found myself to have a very low self-esteem today. when i was in th mall with my sister.
it was bothering me for a while, and i was actually asking myself a lot of questions.

i have an identity crisis a few weeks ago. more like a month maybe.
it was a time when i really don't know who i really am, and i was having doubts.
seriously, it was horrible. but every teenager would go past through this sequel, as one of my friends who takes psychologic as a major once said.

i don't think i have to go on the details on what actually made me feel this way. but i was feeling like i can't trust anyone. not even those whom i thought was really close to me, and understand me. the whole world seems to just go against me, and it was confusing. because i know, right when i make my choice of path, things would be different.

different in what way was the question.

thank God, i've got past through that safely. i'm really grateful i didn't make the wrong choice, and though i'm still struggling to pull myself together, so that i won't lose myself again, i,.. don't think i want to be someone i'm not.

who am i?

i don't think i know that yet.
i mean, i'm still young. i still have many choices to make. and yet, i could change my mind every second and go through different paths of life.

i remember in the "eclipse" movie, there was this one speech that got me. it was on the graduation, when this girl said "this is the time to make mistakes." and i somehow agree with her. maybe life shouldn't be perfect. maybe these mistakes are what's gonna take me right on top. maybe these mistakes could be the ones i'd be grateful of.

but of course i wouldn't do serious mistakes. i mean, i still have my mind, and i would keep myself as much as i could, right on track.

"you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt;

as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear;

as young as your hope, as old as your despair"

-Douglas Macarthur, youth challenges

and empowerment.

becareful what you wish for

becareful what you wish for
author : alexandra potter

finally ! i finish one book till the last page.
it was great though, coz i usually hate reading. but this book has got me interested. and i highly recommend it.
the author has got the story interesting every chapter. and it's changed my mindset about wishes and the way i think about the things around me.

basically it's a story about a pessimist girl, who wishes all the time. and she met this gypsy girl who gave her a lucky heather which grants her every wishes. and after she's got all her wishes everytime she makes one, she takes everything for granted. i won't spill much though, you have to read it !

after i read this book, i thought to myself. maybe it's true. not everything that we want is what we need.
i never actually really comprehend what it means until i read this book.

this is what i think : it's always okay to dream big as long as it's realistic. but then appreciating things that we have is rather important. for all i know God has His own purpose. and we're never that smart to fully understand Him.

so, maybe things happen for a reason.

and maybe we should just go through each day with a bright smile on our faces. thanking Him for everything, especially be most grateful that He cares about us.

i am hamburger

gue jadi nontonin cartoon jepang dengan durasi 2 menitan per episode yang namanya neko rahmen. gara gara mike.

rada aneh sih ceritanya. itu tentang kucing yang jualan ramen gitu. tapi kocak juga, ya lumayan lah, itung itung buat ngisi waktu nganggur gue di rumah.

anyway, hari ini gue seneng banget karena akhirnya ! gue ke mangdu. walaupun kesananya rada kesiangan karena gue baru bangun jam 11an, jadi jam 3an gitu gue baru sampe sana. tapi lumayan, gue dapet tas satu sama celana pendek jeans satu. sebenernya gue pengen banget nyari kemeja putih sama loose t-shirt. cuma karena gue perginya sama nyokap gue, gue ga ketemu apa apa. tapi buat kesana aja gue udah seneng kok. paling ngga akhirnya gue belanja, soalnya selama liburan yang belanja adek gue mulu, gue belom kebagian.

gue akhirnya keturutan beli kamera ! (senyum lebar lebar) walaupun bukan kamera bloggie warna biru yang gue kepengen banget, tapi ya lumayan lah. gue dapet kamera panasonic lumix, 10 megapixel dengan harga satu komaan. sedangkan lo tau sendiri bloggie cuma 5 megapixel dan harganya dua komaan. yaa, buat gue sih apa aja juga jadi. selama masih kamera dan bisa di pake.

habis jalan jalan, sambil nungguin macetnya rada reda, kita makan di rice bowl, di itc nya deh kayaknya, kalo gue ga salah. udah gitu pas lagi jalan ke toilet, gue lagi ngomongin tentang ntar gimana gue ke cina, udah gitu gue ngomong "wo shi hao bao bao" yang artinya "i'm a good child". udah gitu adek gue ketawa, dia bilang "i am hamburger?" ya gue ngakaklah. ada ada aja. walaupun gue masih belom begitu yakin kalo itu artinya i'm a good child, tapi kayaknya bukan i'm a hamburger juga deh. hahahah

i think im in love :0

aren't you happy to live in the same world with these guys? coz I AM <3

i owe her

laptop gue lagi dibenerin. jadinya sekarang gue blogging pake laptop bokap gue, yang bekas adek gue, dan gue baru sadar kalo keyboard ni laptop enak banget. layarnya gede pula.

oke. itu ga penting :P

anyway, gue baru nonton 90210. dan gue tau gue telat banget, secara gue baru nonton season satu, dan 90210 sekarang udah sampe season 3. tapi terus gue jatuh cinta sama adam gregory. dia main jadi ty, dan sumpah ya, tu orang ganteng banget, udah gitu tinggi banget juga. coba aja ada orang seganteng dia di lingkungan gue. dan gue tau gue ngarep banget.

belakangan gue ngidem kamera bloggie, yang warna biru. gue suka sama kameranya yang bisa di puter puter, trus konsepnya yang emang buat blogging, making it easier for me to post pictures, secara kayaknya gue bakal rajin blogging habis ini. apalagi gue kan udah mau ke cina. maksudnya gue mau rajin blogging tuh supaya temen temen gue tetep ga ketinggalan sama cerita cerita gue. soalnya kan pasti susah kalo gue udah di cina, ada perbedaan waktu, jadi kalo online juga belom tentu gue bisa ngobrol sama semuanya.

hari ini mestinya gue ke mangga dua. tapi berhubung gue ga bisa tidur semalem, dan gue baru bangun jam 11, akhirnya gue sempet ke rumah yoga buat nanya nanya jadwal yoga, sempet daftar juga, tapi belom sempet yoga. rencananya sih besok gue pengen nyoba yoga, tapi ya kita liat besok deh. terus gue nemenin nyokap gue ke melawai, buat liat liat perhiasan.

tadinya dia mau beliin gue purity ring. katanya biar gue janji buat menjaga kekudusan. i don't know what you're opinion about a purity ring, but i don't think i need one to have that commitment. lagian gue lebih prefer di beliin pocket camera daripada cincin begituan. akhirnya kita ga jadi beli cincin, dan sambil nunggu supir gue sama nyokap sempet ngobrol ngobrol di starbucks. ga ngobrol sih, lebih tepatnya dia yang cerita ama gue.

nyokap gue cerita ama gue tentang betapa dia sangat bersyukur keluarga kita bisa hidup sebaik ini. karena sebenernya kan bokap gue ga kerja, dan nyokap gue kerja sendirian. kerjaannya juga bukan kerjaan yang pasti, dan income bisa berenti kapan aja. risky. tapi ya gitulah hidup kita, bener bener kasih karunia Tuhan semuanya. i know i may sound religous but that's the fact.

dia bilang sama gue, kalo dia yang ga bisa ngomong bahasa inggris ato chinese. ga punya talenta apa apa bisa punya income sampe 30 jtaan perbulan, gue harus bisa lebih dari dia. sesaat gue pengen nangis. gue tau gue cengeng, dan gampang banget kemakan cerita begituan. tapi dari dulu emang gue selalu pengen bikin nyokap gue seneng. i mean, after everything she's done. i owe her, a lot.

paling parahnya tanpa sadar gue sering nyakitin dia. gue suka kasar, suka ga nurut, suka males sama dia. buat gue, satu satunya cara buat ngebayar semua itu ya cuma jadi sukses ntarnya, terus nyenengin dia.

gue tau setiap keluarga punya masalahnya masing masing. ambil keluarga gue deh buat contoh. sejujurnya gue ga terlalu suka sama bokap gue, sering males sama nyokap gue, dan suka sebel sama adek gue. bokap gue orangnya keras. ga pernah duduk dan ngomong sama gue bener bener ngomong. emang gue belajar banyak dari dia, tapi semuanya gue pelajarin dari nontonin dia doang. nyokap gue? cerewet, suka jayus, ga jelas. dan adek gue adalah orang yang paling tajem kalo ngomong, dan lebih parahnya sering ga mikir kalo ngomong.

tapi hey ! pasti ada alesan kenapa kita di taro di keluarga kita kan? bagaimanapun juga orangtua kita adalah orang orang yang selama ini provide kita dengan semua hal yang kita punya, dan saudara kita. just as much as you hate them, you share the same blood and flesh with them. and they're the only ones you got left when everyone turns your back at you. they're the ones who won't deny you. or at least, that's what i think.

sunday oh sunday

hari ini minggu. dan berhubung kemaren malem gue susah tidur, alhasil pas di bangunin pagi buat gereja sama bokap gue, mata gue rada perih gitu, dan gue masuk angin. lagi.

mestinya rencana hari ini kita mau ke anyer, adek gue kepengen banget pergi ke pantai for some reasons, the plan was cancelled, dan kelihatannya adek gue langsung ga mood banget gitu. pas kita makan juga yang tadinya dia seneng banget, bacot sana sini, dia jadi diem trus males makan juga. udah gitu langsung sensi sama nyokap gue.

nyokap gue aneh juga sih. sepanjang jalan dia kayak banyak ngomong gitu kan. nyokap gue tuh tanpa gue sadari cerewet banget. nah, tapi dia ga sadar dia cerewet, dia malah bilang "papanya nih ya, cerewet banget." sumpah. pas gue nyadar yang daritadi ngomong itu nyokap gue, dan bokap gue ga terlalu banyak ngomong, dan dia cuma diem doang dibilangin gitu, gue pengen ngakak. tapi gue tahan tahan gitu, daripada di tanyain, ntar panjang, terus gue males gitu. hahah.

akhirnya karena batal ke anyer, jadilah kita sekeluarga ke kebon jeruk, nyariin gue tempat les mandarin. berhubung gue mau dikirim ke cina, ntar september nih gue pergi, terus bokap gue mikir, daripada gue buang waktu hampir dua bulan nganggur, mending gue les mandarin dikit dikit, jadi sampe cina juga ntar gue ga kagok.

udah gitu di jalan, kita sempet diskusi tentang mobil, gue udah hampir di beliin mobil baru tuh. ga baru juga sih, second, tapi ya lumayan lah. tadinya pikir mau di beliin terios. gue udah seneng gitu, tapi kayaknya ga jadi deh. soalnya gue juga disini tinggal dua bulan, ntar sayang juga kalo mobilnya cuma nampang di tempat parkir menuh menuhin tempat. tapi gue di kasi buat make livina bokap gue sih. lumayan lah, gue udah cape sama xenia kuning yang bobrok itu. gila lo, kalo macet, gue mesti pake otak banget buat nyetir tu mobil.

oke, mungkin ga ada hal yang terlalu menarik yang terjadi hari ini, tapi gue cuma bersyukur aja sih. akhirnya hari ini gue bisa ngobrol, yang bener bener ngobrol sama keluarga gue. masalahnya gue tuh jarang banget sama keluarga. hari hari gue selalu keluar, masalahnya gue juga ga betah di rumah sih. bukan karena ada masalah keluarga ato apa. cuma sumpek aja, gara gara rumah gue kecil banget. jadi gue sering keluar sama temen temen yang lain gitu, dan jadinya jarang banget sama keluarga gue. adek gue tuh yang lebih sering sama bonyok gue.

ya gitulah hari gue, gue masih belom tau nih. dua bulan ke depan gue bakal kayak gimana. masalahnya, baru mikir nganggur aja gue udah sengsara. sumpah, gue pengen banget masuk JC, dan lanjut di raffles. gue masih berat ninggalin temen temen, semua yang ada di indo. walaupun gue bakal balik lagi. tapi the thought of ga ada di satu cerita lagi sama mereka aja udah bikin gue sedih :( gue cuma bisa ngarep kalo gue sama mereka bakal tetep keep in touch, dan tetep deket. can't believe i'll be leaving this soon :(