the tears

sejujur jujurnya gue suka orang-orang ditempat gue tinggal di sydney,

cuma..

salah satu pressure gue disini itu adalah gk ada orang yang sejalan sama gue disini.

gk ada yang seumuran ato yang jalannya sama sama gue, disini yang gue maksud itu adalah cita-cita, atau interest.

rata-rata orang-orang di sekitar gue itu lebih tua, dan gue belakangan emang hati-hati banget kalo mau ngomong. gue bener-bener gk mau menyinggung orang atau nyakitin siapapun dengan tidak sengaja.

gue berasa sendiri men, bener-bener sendiri, bener bener gk tau harus lari kemana.

gue gk punya temen yang bener-bener temen disini, yang bisa gue ajak diskusi berbagai macam hal yang nyambung ama gue.

sedih.

sedih banget.

dan untuk pertama kalinya, gue nangis di sydney.

tapi gue tau ini baru awal. hari ini tepat gue sebulan di sydney, and this is just the beginning.

gue tau gue lebih kuat dari ini, gue tau gue bisa, i won't let myself down.

p.s : gue baru sadar ini point dimana gue bener-bener di test banget. lo bayangin deh, gue buat beli majalah yang cuma 5 dollar aja gue mikir bolak-balik men, dan gue end up gk beli karena sekarang ini keuangan gue emang lagi belom stabil banget. i guess this is what they call "growing up"

yea, i'll make it through somehow :)

percaya

ku tak tahu yang akan terjadi, namun kutahu Kau sertaku.

ku tak dapat jalan sendiri, kuperlu Yesus di hidupku.

pegang tanganku, tuntun langkahku,

jaga hatiku 'tuk tetap mengandalkanMu.

kutaruh harapku, sepenuh pada Yesus,

rancanganMu terbaik bagiku.

tak mau ku berpaling, dari kasih Yesus.

Kaulah pujianku dan pengharapanku.

hari ini otak gue lagi gak waras. untuk sesaat gue ketakutan soal apa yang akan gue hadapi nanti, gue takut akan gk kepastiannya hidup dan gimana gue bakal end nantinya.

it's like no matter how many times i told myself everything's gonna be just fine, there's always this little part of me that's never convinced, and it's always so scared and insecure.

barusan aja lagu ini pop up di kepala gue, dan gue pengen nangis nyanyinya, gue tau segimana susah ngelepasin hak hidup gue ke Tuhan, gue tau seberapa berat itu, tapi kalo gue nggak ngelakuin itu rencananya Dia yang segitu gede gk bakal bisa kejadian di hidup gue.

this is the time where i should repeat this song over and over again sampe melekat di hati gue.

i could only pray that this song blesses you as well as it blesses me :)

a little of heart talk

there's always this little insecure part of me that's always covered.

just somehow covered.

i know it's never left.

no matter how much joy i feel, or how i have grown, always, even it's only so little, but there it is, it's stuck inside, refusing to leave.

moving here to australia has changed me quite a bit.

you know how some people look at me and think how mature and independent i am.

but here, although yeah, i could still quite be considered independent, but inside i'm scared.

australia has a lot of difference with indonesia, and unlike singapore which i think you could still tolerate if i, as an indonesian, am not a fluent english speaker, australia sometimes has this white racist people and they've got me intimidated.

don't get me wrong, i love australia as much as i love indonesia.

it's just that it's all so different here,

well, maybe i just need some time to adapt i guess.

sometimes i feel so alone you know.

i know this is so lame talking my heart out to some strangers on my blog (or maybe you're not a stranger after all?)

and i do need some comfort, and with these new people who barely knows my past, i guess..

i guess i just miss the presence of those who knows my past :(

i have only one request.

if you are reading this blog and you know me, do you mind if you put me somewhere in the middle of your prayers sometime? :)

pray that i could be strong enough to go through these things, so that i could finish strong, finish well, and in return, if you have any prayer requests maybe you could post a comment down here, and i'll say one or two prayers for you :)

all in all,

stay strong !

thank you Jesus

i am here, because of Your grace.

i am here, because of Your love.

Lord Jesus, i am so thankful for Your grace

abounds to me.

thank you Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

thank you Jesus.

it's only by Your grace,

that i could live today,

forever i will praise Your name.

i woke up this morning with this song on my mind.

thinking that, so what if yesterday was douche.

all i know that i'm still living because of His grace.

and in my despair should i still be thankful.

it's all because of His love.

..

people come and go as they please,

but i don't stay, i move on.

-karenchristianti

where do i go?

today's my third shift at mcdonald's.

and it was pretty horrible cos they put me in the cashier and i'm still not the expert at the menu, and so i was kinda lame when i was serving.

it was pretty bad that some people were kinda pissed for waiting so long, and i keep on asking "where's this" and "where's that" and calling the manager to help me with those who speaks like reaaalllyyyy low that i could barely hear.

i still don't know if they'll ever put me again in the cash register, even though i don't really like it, but i like the feeling, it makes me feel somehow important and moreover, being in the cashier register was already considered kinda good for a job you know. and so, yeaaaa . .

i was at some point a little down when i got those customers who was kinda pissed at me, inside i was scared and i feel like crying. but man, i'm too big to cry, and i really should be too tough to break down.

so after the shift, i just felt so tired and i actually go to bed a little early (about around 9pm) and i just woke up now.

i was that tired that i snored, and you should know that i kinda lost track of time when i woke up, cos i really thought it was sunday already, but then i look outside the window and it was still dark and it's still saturday.

and i woke up feeling like a douche bag.

where to go with all this bad feelings that's trashing inside my heart? i know talking to my friends would be pretty relieving, but then those feelings would just come back around and if i don't get rid of it, it'd kill me slowly, spiritually.

so the only one i could talk to was my Dad. i always know He has a plan, even though i don't have the exact picture of what's in it, but it's a plan to prosper me, and i know, He loves me more than anything else.

when i talked to Him, He just lifted all my burdens, He comforted me, and i could feel His love so strong to me.

and so, today might not be the best day what so ever, but my Dad was here, my Dad loves me and i could always go to Him when something bad happens. and so could you !

17.

yesterday was my first day working at mcdonalds.

to be honest it was actually kinda fun, especially when i was doing the frying. it was almost like playing diner dash, and so yeah, for me it was one kind of an experience that i won't forget.

after the shift i went home and, you know, just sit down with some of my other roommates, and we talk about work and stuff. and in the middle of that conversation (we weren't actually really talking, most of us was just sitting down and playing with our laptops -- whoa, that's me, lol) i could feel that holy spirit was talking loud inside my heart.

it says "Karen, i have a big plan for you, but i only ask one thing in return, and it is your youth." i swear i could feel God's presence around me and it was so strong that i fell silent.

nah, i couldn't answer that. the holy spirit showed me what i was going to miss, and for me it was much. it was all the fun, all the stories that we teenagers usually share, and all the things that they say is what makes us feel alive.

but it also showed me what i was gonna be if i do so. if i leave all the fun part, and all the worldly thing. the prize of the price that i would pay. and it was big. it told me that i would be different. my life would be different, and as much as i really wanna share with you guys the feeling that i experienced that night, i just couldn't find the right words cos it was really really big, and it is something that you have to experience to understand.

that night too i shared with my flatmate, kak eva, and it was just amazing how God put me right into this place, cos there's a lot of things that i've learnt from her.

it may not be easy for me, especially being 17 and having to understand that i was asked to lay down my life wholly to my God. but as i was listening to pastor joseph prince in one of his recorded sermon, it's said that david and joseph was called at the age of 17, and their journey wasn't easy, but look into the story and tell me what's not great about what they've done and how they've made history.

there's still so much to learn, and my journey is still a long way to go. but i'm sure of the end, and i'm not afraid cos my Father will always be by my side through out the journey.

walking through faith.

this is just the beginning.

trust

wow, it's been a while since i last posted a blog post.

looking back to the days of my desperation about going to australia now fades. i am now in Australia ! LOL

back in those days where i was so confused and blur about my whole future i didn't know where God was taking me. and honestly i was going to be so mad at Him, but now i see clearly why He made me go through such thing. back then i learn about so much valuable things that He wants me to understand about life.

since those days i know my life is now all about waiting. waiting for the right time, the right moments so that i could do things precisely and align to the plans that my Father has for me.

i am the kind of person who loves to rush things, who can't sit down tightly without anything. for me to stay quite is such a challenge. and that's exactly where my Dad put me into.

what i've experienced, i truly don't know how to share properly, because it's something that you have to go through to understand, but i do pray that you are guided by the holy spirits so that when you read through this article you could get the point, which is : there are things that are out of your control.

well, if you've ever heard of this, they say people are creator, but i would tell you that we are not. we are CO - creator. no, actually we are just re-inventing what was there from the beginning. so this is the very first understanding that humans are not great at all.

it's said in the bible that what is such an insight for humans are foolishness according to God.

1 corinthians 1 : 25 "for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" (NIV)

so what we thought is a great plan, know that God has MORE than just a great plan for you.
He has something magnificent for us.

i've learnt to give it all up to Him, to place Him in charge of my life, to no more worry about what's gonna happen next, all the risks and consequences, and i tell you that it's so much easier said than done. but i pray that you'll understand this, and i pray that you'll have a magnificent journey as well as experiences with Him. because once you have lay it all down for Him, you'll find this bliss that you can't explain with words. it's some kind of happiness and relief, like an enlightment that once your life is in God's hand, everything just fall into place.