the will

empat setengah jam lagi menuju tahun baru.

dan gue habis berantem :|

untungnya sih sekarang semuanya udah baik-baik aja.

dan lebih baiknya lagi gue belajar banyak hal.

"everything is possible when there's a will.

the will is the key."

ada beberapa orang yang udah ngelukain dan nyakitin gue dengan parahnya, dan susah banget buat gue untuk maafin mereka. karena apa yang terjadi itu bener-bener kejadian yang gitu nyakitin.

belum lagi tertundanya gue pergi ke sydney waktu itu juga mendatangkan berbagai cemooh dan pendapat negatif dari banyak orang.

2011 buat gue berat banget.

kalo ngomong blak-blakan gue komplit lah tahun ini, udah diremehin, dijelekkin, harus kerja keras, gak jelas mau kemana dan banyak banget hal-hal yang bikin gue sedih yang gue gak bisa ceritain dengan detail.

tapi gue sadar kalau gue gak bisa begini terus. gue gak bisa terus tersiksa di dalam pikiran gue sendiri, dan gue sadar, kalau selama ini yang mengurung gue di dalam kesengsaraan gue itu gue sendiri, dan satu satunya kunci untuk keluar dari situ ada "the will".

the will to try to forgive.

the will to try to change for the better.

the will to force myself to reach the top.

so i'm gonna end this year with a prayerful heart. i'm also gonna put that will into my heart, to take what was promised to me.

selama ini orang cuma ngomong kalau mimpi itu penting.

tapi kalau gue bilang, percuma ngimpi kalau gak ada actionnya. tapi action juga gak bisa datang kalau gak ada keinginan/tekad.

disinilah gue mau bilang kalau tekad itu penting banget.

tekad inilah yang akan menggerakkan kita untuk berbuat sesuatu.

tekad ini seperti pengarah jalan. setiap tindakan itu diarahkan oleh motive dan tekad kita.

jadi, milikilah tekad untuk berubah menjadi lebih baik di tahun 2012 ini.

happy new year !

pulang !

baru kemaren gue bicara soal sinetron.

eeh, temen gue lagi sinetron banget..

sahabat gue, sebut aja namanya ichil.

kemaren telpon dan bilang mau ke rumah gue. dari suaranya, gue udah tau ada yang salah.

dan bener aja, gak lama kemudian dia nongol di depan pintu rumah gue dengan muka sembab habis nangis kayak anak ikan kecebur got (ha?), langsung gue peluk.

tebakan pertama gue dia habis berantem sama pacarnya. dan karena gue pintar, tebakkan gue bener.

ichil cerita kalau dia berantem sama pacar gak pernah gak drama, katanya yang pernah berantem di publik teriak-teriak sampe di liatin orang gara-gara teriak-teriak, belom lagi yang barusan ini berantemnya udah kayak dua anak kucing berantem kalau menurut gue dari ceritanya.

gak enaknya hari itu rada jadi penengah antara ichil dan pacar.

si pacar yang juga kenal gue bbm in gue dan tanya-tanyain gue soal ichil, yang lagi dimana, lagi apa. ya wajar sih ya, namanya juga orang sayang, pasti nyariin.

makin larut malem, nyokap ichil telpon, suruh pulang, dan ichil gak di kasi nginep. maklum sih nyokapnya emang galak begitu. akhirnya gue sama adek gue nganterin ichil pulang.

takut juga gue, anak cewek malem-malem naik taksi pulang dari rumah gue yang super jauh dari rumahnya.

di mobil ichil berantem lagi sama pacar, gue yang rada-rada ngantuk sampe serem sendiri denger ichil nangis-nangis sambil ngomong "PULANG ! KAMU PULAANGGGG !" dengan suaranya yang kayak anak kecil di campur tangis dan toa. gak kebayang gue, kalau supir taxi yang waktu itu nyupirin dan bukan gue. pasti bingung sendiri. gue jadi mikir gimana ya nasipnya supir-supir taxi itu. pasti mereka sering deh ketemu customer-customer aneh kayak si ichil.

eh, balik lagi ke topik.

iya, jadi si ichil..

nggak. jadi pacar ichil ternyata juga galau habis berantem itu. dan mereka sama-sama pergi buat cari tempat yang bisa nenangin diri masing-masing. kelanjutannya, gue gak tau deh kalau mereka balikkan lagi atau gimana.

yang jelas...

gue sedikit bersyukur gue belom pacaran lagi. hehehe.

nyerempet yaris biru

gue udah pernah cerita soal gue nyerempet yaris biru belom sih?

HAHAHA.

sinetron abis.

okay, jadi ceritanya gue baru aja nyoba nge-arrange cerita 'gue nyerempet yaris biru' buat di jadiin semacam cerpen. dan. FAIL.

mungkin gue emang gak bakat jadi penulis.

tapi gue masih bisa share sama kalian yang baca blog ini soal kejadian itu.

jadi kejadiannya satu taun yang lalu. waktu gue lagi mau jemput adek gue di raffles, dan gue baru aja dari sekolah lama gue habis nontonin mantan gue yang kebetulan hari itu main di cup sana.

sibuk bbm-an, gue gak liat ada yaris biru lagi bertenger manis di parkiran pinggir sekolah gue itu, dan alhasil gue nyerempet dia.

PANIK BANGET. gk boong.

soalnya waktu itu gue baru sekitar satu taunan belajar nyetir, dan gue gak pernah di ajarin gimana cara ngadepin korban serempetan.

dan di otak gue waktu itu cuma ada satu kata : "KABUR !"

sedihnya jalanan waktu itu macet, dan gak memungkinkan banget buat gue buat kabur, dan akhirnya gue cuma bisa jajarin mobil gue sejajar sama tuh yaris biru yang udah buka kaca jendelanya, bingung harus ngapain, gue juga ikutan buka kaca jendela. goblok banget gak boong.

"gimana nih?" kata gue panik, bingung, galau (lah?). "tanyain aja nomer hpnya, ce." kata cowok gue waktu itu, rupanya dia juga bingung harus ngapain.

akhirnya gue parkirin mobil gue di depan yaris biru itu, dan dengan keadaan gerimis pun gue turun dari mobil dan memberanikan diri nyamperin yang punya yaris biru itu.

ternyata cowok masih seumuran, dan berhubung buru-buru mau jemput adek gue akhirnya kita cuma tukeran nomer.

ehh.. gak lama dan belom jauh dari sekolah lama gue itu, si cowok nelpon dan minta bb pin gue. gk beres banget. haha. ngaco emang, dari pertama dia nanya gitu juga gue udah bengong dan bingung, tau pasti ada yang salah.

eh bener aja, dia ternyata nyoba deketin gue gitu. dan emang anaknya lucu banget dan pinter ngomong, tapi untungnya gue masih waras dan inget pacar.

si 'yaris biru' itu akhirnya gue kenalin sama sahabat gue, sebut aja namanya sheila.

mau aja lagi. dasar murah.

terus.. dunia itu sempit. pas ni anak berdua lagi jalan gitu dan ketemu temen mereka yang saling kenal dan nanyain "kok bisa kenal?" dengan entengnya sobat gue itu jawab "tau tuh si kace, sinetron."

HAHA.

setaun yang lalu..

udah lama banget ya..

bentar lagi udah mau taun baru lagi.

kira-kira bakal ada sinetron-an gini lagi gk ya? HA.

new start

2 december 2011 gue tepat 18 tahun.

gila ya..

tua abis.

tapi rewind 2 hari sebelom itu, gue udah gak punya niat idup.

bisa dibilang galau super. cuma gara-gara bonyok gue mau ke jepang dan gue di tinggal LAGI.

okeh itu emang lebay banget. tapi bayangin deh, kayaknya di satu keluarga ini gue yang paling sengsara.

adek gue kebagian ikut jalan-jalan ke jepang waktu gue sibuk IGCSE. nyokap gue bahkan gak dateng ke acara GRADUATION gue. lo mesti tau ini perih banget buat gue nulis semua ini disini, cuma kalau gue gak keluarin dan berusaha maafin mereka buat semuanya ini yang ada gue bakal terus sakit tiap kali ada hal yang ngingetin gue soal ini.

terus waktu gue di gantungin antara ke sydney dan nggak, dan adek gue IGCSE, gue ditinggal ke EROPA.

pahit gak sih kalo lo jadi gue? gue sih jujur kepaitan banget.

lebay dan emo banget, tapi gue berulang kali doa minta mati aja sama Tuhan.

17 tahun dan hidup gue sedih.

tanggal satu december menjelang dua itu gue gak bisa tidur. dan gue gak tidur sama sekali.

masalahnya gue lagi jengkel banget sama temen gue.

jadinya temen gue itu bikin acara, dan gue pikir acara itu cuma sekedar hang out biasa, dan kalau gue gak ikut juga mestinya ya udah jalan aja lah ya?

tapi mendadak gue bilang sama mereka kalau gue gak bisa, gara-gara nyokap gue yang biasanya super sibuk itu kebetulan hari itu lagi free.

FAMILY OVER FRIENDS, ya jelas gue milih jalan sama nyokap gue dong ya? apalagi habis berantem sama bokap gara-gara yang pengen ke jepang itu.

eh temen gue malah marah, di group bbm dia bilang "sumpah ya gue sebel loh gak jadi begini"

lah, gue juga marah lah. secara logika kalau gak ada gue ya udah lanjut aja lah ya? terus kenapa harus matokin di gue? orang bukan gue yang bikin acara..

sedihnya lagi hari itu gue ditinggal ke padang sama temen-temen baik gue yang dari raffles.

dan yang sisa tinggal gitta, carla sama syl, ada yedam juga sih pas surprise gue di sore hari gitu.

cuma surprisenya emang bukan surprise yang gimana.. mungkin cuma sekedar ritual, tapi gue masih seneng masih ada yang peduli sama gue hehe.

yang bikin gue sedikit tersenyum hari itu cuma pas di kelas, dan udah mau break, tiba-tiba adit, classmate gue nyeletuk gitu "sir ! today's karen's birthday!" terus guru gue management gue yang namanya John itu cuma yang kayak "huh?" terus satu kelas nyanyiin gue happy birthday gitu. unyu banget.

sumpah waktu itu gue mati gaya gak tau harus ngapain.

mana anak-anak malakkin gue indomie gara-gara yang test legal studies kemaren harus nungguin satu jam gara-gara gue telat, sayangnya gue gak bawa duit.

ya kalau mereka masih inget ntar hari rabu paling gue beliin pizza atau apa gitu deh. gue gak enak juga sih :P

tapi in those times i've learnt something : i'm such a firkin selfish person. and well, i deserve to be hated for the things i've done. maybe it's time that i don't think about myself, and care about others more.

gue udah di kasi a fresh new start.

those problems are in the past. dan udah saatnya gue stop mikirin diri gue sendiri.

SATU JAM

Tanggal 30 november 2011, temen baik gue yang namanya Kharis ulangtaun, dan buat dia gue sama dua temen gue lainnya (valen, dan Jan) bela-belain bangun pagi cuma buat dateng ke rumahnya dan bikin surprise.

Malem itu gue kebangun ada sampe 3 kali kayaknya, gara-gara gue takut gak jadi, dan lo mesti tau, jam 4 pagi gue udah berangkat dari rumah.

Jam 6an gitu gue sama jan berangkat dari rumah jan dan nyampe di rumah kharis jam 7an gitu. Untungnya surprise nya gak gagal.

Dengan modal kue ulangtaun spongebob yang abal dan cacat itu kita mergokkin si kharis baru bangun, masih pake kaos dan boxer, dan lagi skype-an sama pacarnya, si angel.

Gue tau gue ngeresikoin sekolah gue banget pas nyiapin surprisenya kharis. Masalahnya hari itu gue ada TEST LEGAL STUDIES.

Kalo lo belom tau, di college gue, dari 4 subjects yang gue ambil (communication, management, computing, sama legal studies) legal studies tuh yang paling susah, dan walaupun setiap testnya itu open book, tetep aja subject itu paling susah buat kita semua.

Mana nyokapnya si kharis yang super baik itu udah nyiapin kita makanan pas kita selese surprise in si kharis, dan berhubung gak enak, gue sama yang lain jadi makan dulu deh. Lucunya si nyokap kharis yang super baik itu heboh sendiri moto-motoin kita selama kita makan. Pas kita lagi ngambil makanan, makan, ngobrol gak jelas, udah kayak paparazzi aja tuh si tante.

Dari perjalanan rumah kharis ke sekolah, si supirnya jan yang terlihat ramah tapi menyesatkan itu salah ambil jalan, dan alhasil yang mestinya dari bintaro ke pondok indah cuma setengah jam itu jadi satu jam.

Tapi gue tenang.

Itu aneh.

Tapi gue tenang.

Dari raffles ke mibt gue udah deg-deg an aja tuh. Gue udah bbm temen gue si melisa, suruh bilangin ke gurunya kalo gue bakal telat, gue sih bilangnya setengah jam bakal nyampe, nah dari situ tuh gue baru deg-deg an, takut di tinggal test. Tapi terus si mel bilang kalo mereka lagi disuruh belajar doang gitu 20 menit, dan gue aman.

Waktu pun berlalu.

20 menit. Gue masih di arteri. Deg-degan gue bbm mel, mel cuma nanya lagi dimana dan bilang “ini kayaknya kita semua nungguin lo deh, udah lo gak usah masuk aja sekalian biar gak usah test hahaha” (gak persis kayak gitu sih, cuma intinya ya kayak gitu hehe)

akhirnya gue sampe di mibt SATU JAM kemudian…

pas gue masuk cowok-cowok yang udah jadi mayoritas di kelas itu dengan kompaknya bilang “naah…” trus gue yang bingung sendiri harus ngapain akhirnya cuma cengar-cengir dan berbisik “sorry”.. abis malu sih, terus bingung gitu. Dan langsung test. Untungnya sih testnya gak susah susah amat. Dan gue pede kalo gue bakal pass. Tapi gak tau juga sih, ya kita liat aja ntar ya..

tapi heboh juga sih, anak-anak sampe nungguin satu jam buat gue doang. Sampe di lounge mibt gue sampe di sindir gitu, ada yang ngomong “enak gak tadi sebelom test nungguin satu jam?” terus banyak gitu yang komen, “iya gila gurunya baik banget yah..” ada juga yang bilang “enak sih lo pada cewek cewek, kalo cowok aja gurunya galak.” Dsb.

Guee.. sebenernya gk tau lagi sih harus ngapain, abis bingung. Bikin sensasi banget yah gue K tapi yang jelas gue cuma bersyukur aja sih gue gk sampe kelewatan test, soalnya lumayan tuh test cover 15% an gitu deh kalo gk salah buat nilai kelulusan gue nanti.

hampir akhir taun

gak berasa bentar lagi gue udah 18 :|

cepet banget ya teman. padahal perasaan baru kemaren gue masih di raffles, masih pake seragam putih rok kotak-kotak ungu. parah, gue kangen banget.

udah setaun lebih dari kejadian kemaren-kemaren yang pas gue balik lagi ke raffles masuk ke jc, ke sydney bentar terus masuk ke MiBT. tahun ini bakal selese cuma dalam sebulan lagi.

dan gue cuma bisa bilang.. GILA

banyak banget kejadian aneh-aneh yang emang gak gue simpen secara documentary banget di diary gue ataupun blog, tapi semuanya ada di otak gue, dan semuanya dari yang abal, sweet, drama, kesel, gondok dan segala macem ada deh pokoknya. tapi gue tau semua itu cuma sebagian dari perjalanan gue mencari jati diri (eyak bahasanyaaa)

moneeeeey

dear readers,

gabung sama temen gue di bisnis online jujur bikin gue ketagihan buat makin banyak bikin duit sendiri (padahal ini aja baru join nya belom sampe sebulan :P)

ada kepikiran buat bikin online shop accessories sih, tapi belom tau nih, sementara ini masih rencana doang. mungkin kalaupun jadi nanti taun depan baru launching, karena berhubung adek gue gk mau joinan bareng bikin bisnis ini dan gue juga rada ragu kalo harus jalanin sendiri, gue pengen cari temen partneran bisnis ini gitu, tapi yaa, belom tau juga sih heheh.

minggu depan juga temen baik gue si febe bakal ultah nih, dan gue sampe sekarang belom ada ide buat surprise in dia kayak apa. apalagi ini kayaknya ultah dia yang ke 17 deh :S jadi harus spesial gitu.

dan hari kamis akhirnya gue bakal orientasi di MIBT ! woot !

xx,

karen isabelle ;)

risoles sosis keju

they say 'a good way to a man's heart is through

his stomach'

i just made my very own risoles, with the help of my mbak asih :)

to be honest i am not good at cooking, like at all. but this rissoles tastes really nice that i keep on eating it. i'm so happy and proud of myself. LOL.

kerjaaa !

dear readers,

hadoeh, capek, gila... kerja.

buat yang belom tau sekarang gue kerja sama Furry Panda. kerja sama sama temen baik gue, Valen yang buka usaha wall decal sama laptop decal sama pacarnya Tommy.

seneng sih, paling nggak gue gk nganggur dan gue udah mulai belajar ngasilin duit sendiri. dan sebenernya ini bisa di bilang kerja santai karena kalo dibanding dulu gue kerja di mcdonald's sama hungry jack's di sydney.

berhubung gue jadi marketing jadi tugas gue cuma ngebesar-besarin nama furry panda aja. tapi yang bikin capek sebenernya intimidasi yang dateng dari gue sendiri.

kayak kemaren nih, gue sampe susah tidur gara-gara kepikiran takut gak dapet reseller. padahal kalo dipikir-pikir Furry Panda tuh bisa gampang banget dapet reseller dan gue emang gk seharusnya takut. tapi ya gitu deehh, derita anak melancholis. apa apa kebawa pikiran terus.

gue cuma gk sabar sekolah nih. walaupun gue tau pasti ntar gue tambah lebih panik lagi karena bakal banyak kerjaan yang numpuk. tapi gue emang lebih prefer sibuk sih daripada nganggur gk berguna gitu.

14 hari lagi gue bakal ikut orientasi dari sekolah nih ! i'm so excited to meet new people :))

cheers,

karen isabelle

karen isabelle christianti tandoyo

i felt really bored yesterday and took pictures of myself, lol.

the most important thing

dear readers,

gue baru aja baca baca lagi diary gue yang lama lama gitu.

sebenernya gue punya banyak diary sih. semuanya tuh gara gara gue suka aja liat bukunya, tapi buku gue tuh jadinya yang satu buat melimpahkan semua gundah gulana gue :P dan yang satunya lagi itu buat semua dreams gue :D, dan gue sampe sekarang masih rajin nulis kok, cuma kalo lagi mood aja. dan gk sesering itu.

but anyways, gue baru sadar ada satu hal yang udah beberapa lama ini gue lupain, hal itu adalah : how i am loved.

yes, it's cliche and so and so.

but let me tell you one thing. how many times when you're alone would you feel so low and alone? how many times have you thought that no one loved you. i'll prove you wrong.

every once in a while pasti ada act of love yang ditujukan kepada kita. entah itu dari strangers atau dari orang terdekat.

gue adalah salah satu orang yang termasuk beruntung dengan act of love yang orang-orang terdekat gue kasi dengan bukti nyata. gue bahkan pernah kumpulin semua barang-barang yang temen gue kasi khusus buat gue, entah itu buat ultah gue, farewell gue ato apa kek, tapi banyak banget sampe menuhin meja belajar gue (kalo mau liat fotonya ada di post yang "damn. my room is a total mess"). mungkin kalian readers dapetin lebih banyak hal lagi daripada yang mereka kasi ke gue. tapi gue cuma pengen ingetin aja sih.

to know that you're loved. it's the most important thing.

my friend once said : "when we have no more reason to get back up and move on, do it for those whose hopes in us, who believes in us. do it for those who cares about us the most. if you're tired and you feel that it's alright to let yourself down, remind yourself that it's not alright to let them down."

so, readers, keep in mind that you are loved. keep those things that your closest gave to you as an act of love to remind yourself :)

your precious ;)

xx,

karen isabelle.

bitter

dear readers,

kemaren gue habis jalan sama temen sd gue yang namanya karen ellen strong. sempet ketemu raniramadhany juga dan gue baru tau ternyata dia model dan artis gitu, lol.

it was so much fun apalagi pas gue nyasar pas japan pulang bareng karen gara-gara gue salad ambil jalan.

terus sempet ketemu jan juga kemaren dan kita sempet ngobrol lama banget.

terus pas malemnya gue ngobrol sama nyokap gue dan jujur pikiran gue mumet banget gara-gara mikirin selanjutnya gue harus ngapain, apalagi dengan 2 minggu nganggur lagi karena foundation gue yang di mibt baru mulai 2 minggu lagi.

gue sadar banget malem itu deep inside i'm as bitter as i could be. that was the reason i wasn't too happy when i see my friends when i came back from sydney. the same reason i'm always so sensitive about jokes yang underestimate atau mengarah ke masa depan gue.

tapi sampe kapan gue mau terus mikirin gue sendiri? sedang gue tau caranya nyembuhin sakit hati gue itu cuma dengan mikirin orang lain yang membutuhkan. sempet kepikiran sih buat ikut bokap pelayanan di rumah singgah ato apa gitu.

sekarang gue sambil ngerjain katalog furry panda nih. sebenernya males sih. tapi gimana dong? namanya juga kerjaan. mari kita kerjakan hahaha.

xx,

karen isabelle

damn. my room is a total mess.

relief

dear readers,

such a relief i could talk to my mom about everything. how i hated the way my dad stressed me out with all his ways.

aku seriusan bisa gila kalo bisa terus diskusi sama papaku itu, and i mean it.

sekarang aku jaaaaaaaauh lebih lega. jauh lebih tenang dan lebih santai, sekarang aku cuma harus fokus belajar sama ngurusin furry panda biar berkembang. doain kita biar sukses ya, aku sih ngeliat furry panda sendiri potensi gedenya tuh besar banget, jadi sambil gue jalanin sambil gue terus berdoa nih, soalnya bonyok gue kemaren walaupun sempet setuju belakangan resek, jadi gue gk ngomong-ngomong lagi soal furry panda hehe. paling ntar gue cuma harus cari waktu yang tepat buat ngomong karena kalo mereka resek ntar gue tambah pusing.

gue serius loh pas gue bilang gue bisa gila.

haha.

love, xx.

karen isabelle

underestimated

dear readers,

i know i posted a lot for these past two days, and i'm always like that. whenever I'm in the mood i'd post a lot but i'll forget about my blog when I'm busy, jadi maafkan dan maklumkanlah ya :)

anyways gue lagi bener-bener ngerasa di underestimate banget sama bonyok gue pas mau bikin business begini. cuma karena gue masih umur 17 bukan berarti gue gk bisa bangun business sendiri dong ya, ya gk?!

susah ya masih umur 18, di kira anak kecil banget.

bener-bener minggu ini gue pusing banget, gk tau kenapa keputusan gue sama bokap selalu bentrok gitu. kayaknya emang cara pandang kita emang beda banget, jadi repot. haa. gue udah sedikit pasrah sih tentang sekolah gue. beneran deh gue gk mau mikirin sama sekali, urusan dia deh hahah.

dan berhubung gue masih libur, rencananya gue bakal ke anyer nih hari sabtu sama minggu pas ultah cla, dan gue bakal keliling jakarta sama temen lama gue juga yang namanya karen selasa depan. i'll keep you guys up to date with pictures later on :)

xx,

karen isabelle <3

could seriously go crazy

dear readers,

i swear i could go crazy kale terus diskusiin soal sekolahan sama bokap gue.

i mean, siapa deh yang pertama masukkin gue ke agent sekolah yang abal kayak gitu? kenapa sih gk mau bonafit dikit dan cari agent yang bagusan.

SUMPAH. GUE BISA GILA.

stress tau gk sih. ya emang baik sih dia niatnya mau menghemat umur sama biaya. dia pikir gue gk gengsi juga apa bolak balik? NAJIS. KESEL KESEL KESEL.

yang ngejalanin kan gue. terus kenapa sih. ih.

kenapa gue gk bisa punya bokap yang sayang sama gue kayak.. beneran sayang. sedikit susah sih untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang ada. tapi apa bisa apa lagi gue?

in serious need of comfort.

xx,

karen isabelle

myt be going back to sydney

oh my god, so much decisions have been made today.

masa gue mungkin balik lagi ke sydney dalam keputusan 24 jam?! SINTING GK SEEEH.

ini nih kenapa gue bilang sama lo gue puyeng banget. masalahnya bukan cuma gue yang labil. bonyok gue juga labil dude.

sabaaar sabar karen sabar.

jadinya sekarang gue lagi ngurusin nge cancel cancelationnya course gue yang kemaren di sydney. pusing gk tuh sob? pusing kan? hahaha. tapi kalo emang gk bisa, ya mungkin emang udah jalannya kali ya gue di indo? gk tau sih sebenernya gue juga dilema banget mau di sydney apa di indo.

i love both places. i love sydney as much as i love jakarta.

i guess i'll just be fine anywhere that i'll go :)

pussiiiinnnggg

dear readers,

gue baru balik nih dari sydney, dan sekarang udah ada di jakarta alhamdulilah. sayangnya gak lama sampe jakarta gue sempet sakit gitu, pertamanya gue kira cuma masuk angin, tapi dipikir masuk angin juga keterlaluan perut gue kembungnya dan sakit kepalanya tuh gk enak banget, dan sebenernya gue sakit begini tuh udah lama, cuma gak ketauan aja penyebabnya apa dan akhirnya sabtu malem kemaren gue ke dokter dan cek darah. ternyata sobaatt, sel darah putih gue meningkat gitu dan gak heran kalo sistem imun tubuh gue jadi gk gitu kuat dan gue jadi lemah. sedih banget ya :(

padahal gue baru mulai join ikut business temen gue loh. business wall sticker yang namanya furry panda, kale temen-temen mau liat kayak apa, kalian bisa check deh di sini. gk cuma buat wall sticker kok, furry panda juga ada sticker buat laptop gitu, tapi gue gk lagi pengen ngebahas itu disini. yang jelas, untuk sementara ini gue berposisi sebagai marketingnya gitu disana, tugas gue itu buat nyebar2in soal furry panda ini.

nah, sekarang mari membahas inti permasalahan gue. gue baru aja balik dari agent yang bakal ngurusin kelanjutan studi gue nantinya, namanya om agus. panjang ceritanya soal jalur studi gue ini tapi emang plin plan banget udah dari 3 taun yang lalu. gue sempet dikira bakal pergi ke cina lah, yang ke new zealand, canada, hadoooh, kalo dipikirin makin lama makin pusing deh. masa yang tadinya gue hampir jadi nurse aja sekarang gue balik lagi jadi ke business. hebat kan gue ya, gue aja sampe bingung kenapa temen-temen gue bisa tahan temenan ama gue yang plin plan kayak begini. tapi biar deh, yang penting kan ada pengalaman, ya gak?!

at the moment gue lagi di pim nih kawan, sebentar lagi gue mau meeting furry panda. walaupun sejujurnya gue masih belom tau business ini bakal sukses membludak ato nggak, tapi gue doa aja deh, mudah-mudahan ini business bisa sukses yaaa. amin 0:)

karen isabelle christianti tandoyo

i have always liked the name "isabelle" and i didn't really know the meaning at first, and it's been quite a while since i've been considering to take it as my baptist name, and yea, i just told my parents that and they've agreed to make it my baptist name.

it means "God's promise", it comes from a hebrew name, and i really believe that it's not a coincidence that i have always loved the name.

it's supposed to be isebel (you could look it up in wikipedia) but it's been adapted in french, and "belle" means beautiful.

they say a name affects the person's life, and i really believe it does. lol.

so yeah, my long full name is now karen isabelle christianti tandoyo :)

the pine forest

today my teacher told me something interesting.

we were talking about crocodiles and all the tourist attractions we have here in australia. and then he told me how there's this pine forest in new zealand where he comes from that once you drive in and see all the same trees everywhere would confuse and make you feel lost (cos there's no signs or drive way or anything) . however if you keep on driving the forest comes to an opening, the destination - the end of the forest.

that's what i felt about my life journey too. yep, i just went into a pine forest, and i picture it that i just walked like 5 minutes away from the start. all of this is just the beginning, i keep telling myself, but it's got me confused and feel lost already.

at times it seems hard for me to believe that there's a good end there somewhere someday in the future, but everytime i close my eyes and pray i could feel that my Daddy is here with me, and He listens to me. i just have to keep the faith.

grace by grace, wonders by wonders

lo gak bakal tau seberapa terharunya gue waktu nyokap gue bilang di bbm "papa mama udah siapin uang ke uni 14000 per tahun"

okeh, mungkin gue gk tau harga pastinya masuk uni, tapi gue tau itu pasti banyak banget yang di butuhin, mana uni yang mau gue masukkin itu top 30 in the world, university of sydney.

gue masih gak yakin sih kalo dari college bisa masuk sana, tapi kata guardian gue yang anaknya temen bonyok bilang sih bisa, dan okay, gue percaya aja deh. rencana sih gue pengen ngambil psychology. toh dari dulu juga emang gue pengen dan tertarik banget soal yang namanya belajar kepribadian orang dan lain-lain. even though, yea, that interest seems to be deteriorating everyday, i guess it's kinda because i got too busy with all of my stuff.

gue seneng banget waktu su lyn bilang dia juga mau ambil psychology, dan kita rencana gitu mau masuk bareng, dan kalo bisa juga share flat bareng.

gila ya, kalo di pikir-pikir sih Tuhan bisa banget sampe bawa gue ke point ini.

oh iya, kayak dua hari kemaren, waktu gue lagi kerja, tiba-tiba ada orang nawarin kerja di cafe.

jadi gini, jangan lo pikir kerja di mcdonald's tuh kerja gampangan yang tinggal berdiri belakang kasir terus ambil order. hell no man, kalo lo di suruh kerjain "dining" itu tuh berat banget, mesti ngangkat sampah, ganti tong sampah, terus nyapu ngepel, bersihin sampah. men, gue kira kerja di mcdonalds gk bakal kerja sekasar itu, tapi yea, i did that.

terus hari itu stephanie, my manager lagi ngasi tugas, dan mungkin that random guy pikir gue dimarahin ato gimana, dia bilang dia ada kerjaan dan kasi gue nomer, gaji gue di mcdonalds cuma 11 dollar sejam, dan katanya sih kalo kerja di dia gajinya 16 dollar sejam. bedanya banyak banget kan?!

tapi gue belom sempet ke cafenya karena kerjaan sama emang gk ada waktu :S rencananya sih besok, tapi kata dia sih gue udah dapet kerjaannya :P amin lah, gila Tuhan tuh baik banget emang.

siapapun lo yang ada disana dan care enough to pray for me, please do, i need strength to go through all of this, karena gk gampang men yang namanya hidup sendiri dan berjuang sendiri, andddd if anyone of you who's reading this post and have any prayer request, please do comment down here, i would like to pray for you as well :)

remember that Daddy loves you, and Daddy's plan is to prosper you and not to harm you :) He simply love you.

the tears

sejujur jujurnya gue suka orang-orang ditempat gue tinggal di sydney,

cuma..

salah satu pressure gue disini itu adalah gk ada orang yang sejalan sama gue disini.

gk ada yang seumuran ato yang jalannya sama sama gue, disini yang gue maksud itu adalah cita-cita, atau interest.

rata-rata orang-orang di sekitar gue itu lebih tua, dan gue belakangan emang hati-hati banget kalo mau ngomong. gue bener-bener gk mau menyinggung orang atau nyakitin siapapun dengan tidak sengaja.

gue berasa sendiri men, bener-bener sendiri, bener bener gk tau harus lari kemana.

gue gk punya temen yang bener-bener temen disini, yang bisa gue ajak diskusi berbagai macam hal yang nyambung ama gue.

sedih.

sedih banget.

dan untuk pertama kalinya, gue nangis di sydney.

tapi gue tau ini baru awal. hari ini tepat gue sebulan di sydney, and this is just the beginning.

gue tau gue lebih kuat dari ini, gue tau gue bisa, i won't let myself down.

p.s : gue baru sadar ini point dimana gue bener-bener di test banget. lo bayangin deh, gue buat beli majalah yang cuma 5 dollar aja gue mikir bolak-balik men, dan gue end up gk beli karena sekarang ini keuangan gue emang lagi belom stabil banget. i guess this is what they call "growing up"

yea, i'll make it through somehow :)

percaya

ku tak tahu yang akan terjadi, namun kutahu Kau sertaku.

ku tak dapat jalan sendiri, kuperlu Yesus di hidupku.

pegang tanganku, tuntun langkahku,

jaga hatiku 'tuk tetap mengandalkanMu.

kutaruh harapku, sepenuh pada Yesus,

rancanganMu terbaik bagiku.

tak mau ku berpaling, dari kasih Yesus.

Kaulah pujianku dan pengharapanku.

hari ini otak gue lagi gak waras. untuk sesaat gue ketakutan soal apa yang akan gue hadapi nanti, gue takut akan gk kepastiannya hidup dan gimana gue bakal end nantinya.

it's like no matter how many times i told myself everything's gonna be just fine, there's always this little part of me that's never convinced, and it's always so scared and insecure.

barusan aja lagu ini pop up di kepala gue, dan gue pengen nangis nyanyinya, gue tau segimana susah ngelepasin hak hidup gue ke Tuhan, gue tau seberapa berat itu, tapi kalo gue nggak ngelakuin itu rencananya Dia yang segitu gede gk bakal bisa kejadian di hidup gue.

this is the time where i should repeat this song over and over again sampe melekat di hati gue.

i could only pray that this song blesses you as well as it blesses me :)

a little of heart talk

there's always this little insecure part of me that's always covered.

just somehow covered.

i know it's never left.

no matter how much joy i feel, or how i have grown, always, even it's only so little, but there it is, it's stuck inside, refusing to leave.

moving here to australia has changed me quite a bit.

you know how some people look at me and think how mature and independent i am.

but here, although yeah, i could still quite be considered independent, but inside i'm scared.

australia has a lot of difference with indonesia, and unlike singapore which i think you could still tolerate if i, as an indonesian, am not a fluent english speaker, australia sometimes has this white racist people and they've got me intimidated.

don't get me wrong, i love australia as much as i love indonesia.

it's just that it's all so different here,

well, maybe i just need some time to adapt i guess.

sometimes i feel so alone you know.

i know this is so lame talking my heart out to some strangers on my blog (or maybe you're not a stranger after all?)

and i do need some comfort, and with these new people who barely knows my past, i guess..

i guess i just miss the presence of those who knows my past :(

i have only one request.

if you are reading this blog and you know me, do you mind if you put me somewhere in the middle of your prayers sometime? :)

pray that i could be strong enough to go through these things, so that i could finish strong, finish well, and in return, if you have any prayer requests maybe you could post a comment down here, and i'll say one or two prayers for you :)

all in all,

stay strong !

thank you Jesus

i am here, because of Your grace.

i am here, because of Your love.

Lord Jesus, i am so thankful for Your grace

abounds to me.

thank you Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

thank you Jesus.

it's only by Your grace,

that i could live today,

forever i will praise Your name.

i woke up this morning with this song on my mind.

thinking that, so what if yesterday was douche.

all i know that i'm still living because of His grace.

and in my despair should i still be thankful.

it's all because of His love.

..

people come and go as they please,

but i don't stay, i move on.

-karenchristianti

where do i go?

today's my third shift at mcdonald's.

and it was pretty horrible cos they put me in the cashier and i'm still not the expert at the menu, and so i was kinda lame when i was serving.

it was pretty bad that some people were kinda pissed for waiting so long, and i keep on asking "where's this" and "where's that" and calling the manager to help me with those who speaks like reaaalllyyyy low that i could barely hear.

i still don't know if they'll ever put me again in the cash register, even though i don't really like it, but i like the feeling, it makes me feel somehow important and moreover, being in the cashier register was already considered kinda good for a job you know. and so, yeaaaa . .

i was at some point a little down when i got those customers who was kinda pissed at me, inside i was scared and i feel like crying. but man, i'm too big to cry, and i really should be too tough to break down.

so after the shift, i just felt so tired and i actually go to bed a little early (about around 9pm) and i just woke up now.

i was that tired that i snored, and you should know that i kinda lost track of time when i woke up, cos i really thought it was sunday already, but then i look outside the window and it was still dark and it's still saturday.

and i woke up feeling like a douche bag.

where to go with all this bad feelings that's trashing inside my heart? i know talking to my friends would be pretty relieving, but then those feelings would just come back around and if i don't get rid of it, it'd kill me slowly, spiritually.

so the only one i could talk to was my Dad. i always know He has a plan, even though i don't have the exact picture of what's in it, but it's a plan to prosper me, and i know, He loves me more than anything else.

when i talked to Him, He just lifted all my burdens, He comforted me, and i could feel His love so strong to me.

and so, today might not be the best day what so ever, but my Dad was here, my Dad loves me and i could always go to Him when something bad happens. and so could you !

17.

yesterday was my first day working at mcdonalds.

to be honest it was actually kinda fun, especially when i was doing the frying. it was almost like playing diner dash, and so yeah, for me it was one kind of an experience that i won't forget.

after the shift i went home and, you know, just sit down with some of my other roommates, and we talk about work and stuff. and in the middle of that conversation (we weren't actually really talking, most of us was just sitting down and playing with our laptops -- whoa, that's me, lol) i could feel that holy spirit was talking loud inside my heart.

it says "Karen, i have a big plan for you, but i only ask one thing in return, and it is your youth." i swear i could feel God's presence around me and it was so strong that i fell silent.

nah, i couldn't answer that. the holy spirit showed me what i was going to miss, and for me it was much. it was all the fun, all the stories that we teenagers usually share, and all the things that they say is what makes us feel alive.

but it also showed me what i was gonna be if i do so. if i leave all the fun part, and all the worldly thing. the prize of the price that i would pay. and it was big. it told me that i would be different. my life would be different, and as much as i really wanna share with you guys the feeling that i experienced that night, i just couldn't find the right words cos it was really really big, and it is something that you have to experience to understand.

that night too i shared with my flatmate, kak eva, and it was just amazing how God put me right into this place, cos there's a lot of things that i've learnt from her.

it may not be easy for me, especially being 17 and having to understand that i was asked to lay down my life wholly to my God. but as i was listening to pastor joseph prince in one of his recorded sermon, it's said that david and joseph was called at the age of 17, and their journey wasn't easy, but look into the story and tell me what's not great about what they've done and how they've made history.

there's still so much to learn, and my journey is still a long way to go. but i'm sure of the end, and i'm not afraid cos my Father will always be by my side through out the journey.

walking through faith.

this is just the beginning.

trust

wow, it's been a while since i last posted a blog post.

looking back to the days of my desperation about going to australia now fades. i am now in Australia ! LOL

back in those days where i was so confused and blur about my whole future i didn't know where God was taking me. and honestly i was going to be so mad at Him, but now i see clearly why He made me go through such thing. back then i learn about so much valuable things that He wants me to understand about life.

since those days i know my life is now all about waiting. waiting for the right time, the right moments so that i could do things precisely and align to the plans that my Father has for me.

i am the kind of person who loves to rush things, who can't sit down tightly without anything. for me to stay quite is such a challenge. and that's exactly where my Dad put me into.

what i've experienced, i truly don't know how to share properly, because it's something that you have to go through to understand, but i do pray that you are guided by the holy spirits so that when you read through this article you could get the point, which is : there are things that are out of your control.

well, if you've ever heard of this, they say people are creator, but i would tell you that we are not. we are CO - creator. no, actually we are just re-inventing what was there from the beginning. so this is the very first understanding that humans are not great at all.

it's said in the bible that what is such an insight for humans are foolishness according to God.

1 corinthians 1 : 25 "for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" (NIV)

so what we thought is a great plan, know that God has MORE than just a great plan for you.
He has something magnificent for us.

i've learnt to give it all up to Him, to place Him in charge of my life, to no more worry about what's gonna happen next, all the risks and consequences, and i tell you that it's so much easier said than done. but i pray that you'll understand this, and i pray that you'll have a magnificent journey as well as experiences with Him. because once you have lay it all down for Him, you'll find this bliss that you can't explain with words. it's some kind of happiness and relief, like an enlightment that once your life is in God's hand, everything just fall into place.

hineni

Father, i know i couldn't ask for a life that's without problems, burdens and pain. cos i know that if i'm living such bliss i am not living, for the only place that is without suffering is only in Your place, the beautiful heaven.

but Dad, i do have this only one request for you to give me my portion. to give me patience, strength and courage, for You to always take my hand and guide me, to strict me to walk in the right path and to always look forward in the future, to consider every consequence of my actions.

for i know i'm not perfect, i am not flawless, instead i'm the filthiest soul that is lucky enough to have been taken and chosen by You. i could never be perfect Dad, but please guide me in my every actions, correct me if i'm wrong and let every scene in my life be according to Your will.

give me Your heart, Father. that's full of mercy, that's pure and loving. let me see things through your eyes and feel the way you feel. give me that sensitivity to do things precisely.

and so i bring this life, my life, as an offering, to please You, and You only.

here i am, Dad, hineni.

amen.

while you do the possible, i'm doing the impossible for you

"while you do the possible, i'm doing the impossible for you"

this is what i've learnt from these past few days.

i'm not perfect and i'm totally aware of it, but my God is an awesome God, He strengthens me, enable me to do things beyond my potential.

and i believe that His loving hands is involved in every page of my story.

and so, while i'm here working on my stuff, He's there with His plans, and i grow to believe Him even more day by day.

indonesian culture

let me take you back to those days where the land of indonesia is planted with big, strong trees, and where birds are found chirping, singing along with the wind that is kindly blowing, giving a pleasant cool breeze which comforts the people who are busy, trying to make a living in the market, by selling and buying food that they've grown, trading, and entertaining.

life was simple back then, and with indonesian, who are always as innocent and as friendly, they are open to the world, open to learn something new, open to be better.

unfortunately globalization has taken advantage of their innocence. indonesia is gradually leaving its beautiful culture behind.

such a loss i would say, such a loss.

indonesia has this one of a very beautiful culture, in which in its complication we could find more than just a culture, but a life of art, and beauty which covers almost a lot of things.

a lot of indonesian culture such as wayang, traditional dances and games are started to be left behind, and i would say that this is such a loss, remembering that these things are the things that defines Indonesia. this things are that -- which makes Indonesia different than any other country in this world, these things describes Indonesia.

i just got back from a wayang orang show that is held in senen, jakarta pusat, in gedung kesenian jakarta. wayang orang bharata, and well if you're interested, i would highly recommend it.

i have never thought that such show could be held nicely, in the place where everything is so neat and clean, and beautiful, full of wayangs, of which they really proudly present to the world as they are.

although i could barely understand a word they're saying, but i enjoy myself admiring its beauty through their dances and costumes.

oh, the costumes especially, they're really beautiful. complex and wonderful, i really love it, although then i left early because it was too late, but it was a beautiful show. it'd be better if i speak javanese though :P

this is the kind of show that indonesian people should be proud of, not something that they should despise, saying it's old fashioned and stuff.

i don't think it is.

in fact, it's something worth preserving, something that we could always be proud of.

anyways, if you're interested to go and see this show, go click wobharata.multiply.com :))

be proud of your country, Indonesians !

up high

her mind was flying up high, but she couldn't sleep.

and then she realizes that the one thing that she's been missing is someone who cares about her whereabouts now.

tell me boy, and don't deny.

tell me how much you wanted her, how much you wish she was her that's in your arms right now.

how you adore her craziness when she's high, and her nonsense which leads to laughter.

tell me how much you've been admiring her beauty, somehow wishing it was yours to enjoy.

how much you wanted to reach her and claim her as yours.

some love quotes

i just bought february's asia's reader's digest, and i saw this column where they put up some love quotes due to valentine's day, and i actually like a few of them, so i'm gonna post it up here, hearts ! :)

love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. love is a battle, love is a war, love is a growing up

-james baldwin

love is a fire. but whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, ,you can never tell.

-joan crawford

if grass can frow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life

-cher

insom?

i. can't. sleep. again.

and it always happen this way. late at night, watching tv, blogging, chatting on the phone, trying to get myself sleepy, but nothing really works, and it sucks.

i was actually thinking about disciplining myself about my bed hour and timetable and stuff, but ironically, my body refuses to obey me. so now, here i am, watching the barclays while blogging, liverpool is leading with 1-0 by the way.

I AM SO EXCITED about moving to australia later in march. i can't help but getting extremely happy thinking about how much fun i would have to meet all those new people, new activites, curriculum and planning on taking steps on building my business empire there.

i've done a little research about some sports clubs too, cos if it's possible, i really still wanna play futsal there. and i really hope that i'd get to meet more nice and friendly people to play with.

so far sports had set me up with various people. and i actually enjoy my time working out while making some new friends.

like su lyn, i wouldn't have the chance to spend some time together if it weren't for muay thai. which sports i fell deeply in love with.

it'd be even more exciting knowing that i would start to work there. even though i still have no idea about what i'm about to do there later, i'm still VERY EXCITED about it :S

although that means that i would have to leave these people that i love SO FRIKKIN much behind for a while :( but i know we'll all meet again some time later. and i'm really looking forward to that :))

flat

everything has always come easy for her, it comes to her regrets that nothing does she really value.

it was horrible, the feeling that she's having.

flat flat flat, flatter than flat everytime.

deep inside she wants to feel,

she wants to want and need,

even more she wants to crave.

she wants to be challenged.

she was always so strong, she stands on her ground.

there's nothing that she lacks, she was almost complete.

but then, that's what's been bugging her.

she wants to feel incomplete, she wants to once more value the things that she craves the most.

just once to feel that sensation, to be overwhelmed, scared, sad, happy, loving and daring.

to feel emotions, and over being emotionless.

spring effect

when the sun is high, i'm tougher than rocks.

braver than any soldier, confident as can be.

but when it comes to the times when the sun would hide it self,

the darkness stroke me with its cold wind,

and the cry of loneliness that screams within.

one by one, sad thoughts and regrets accuse me of doing wrongs.

but no tears was gonna change the situation.

and then i'm down on my knees once again,

just to stand up even taller, and go even faster.

on my way

so i wonder every night,

where would i go?

i have no permanent place to stay, i move around.

always with me i carry my faith.

and inside me i keep my only strength, peace.

so i get down on my knees i pray.

knowing i'd reach my destination, sooner or later.

guide me, stars and moon, the lights created above.

guard me angels, beautiful creatures trusted with responsibility.

send me wisdom, insight and grace in every path that i take.

take me places where i'm supposed to be.

mutter mutter

this whole january has been boring and so frikkin unproductive.

God dammit, i haven't done anything useful for the month, and yet february's coming, and i still have no plans of what to do.

i would go for some fun courses, but my parent's haven't given me any good options till now, i was actually thinking about taking mandarin lessons, but then i thought i wouldn't be using it much, so why should i.

i feel pretty much isolated here, thinking about all my friends who are studying at school and probably getting busy with all their subjects, all i do here is watch, eat, read. i don't even read much anymore now.

i had fun at first, but gradually i'm getting bored with all this.

gah !

i miss going to school.

invincible

she doesn't have a poker face. never.

but she would always have that smile after those frowns or sad faces that are shown through hard times.

even in her aging years her beauty shines through her face, somehow revealing pure joy and sincerity.

she would never try to burden people. she even eases her surrounding's burdens,

she believes in her faith that the mighty creator provides everything just enough for each and every people, and so she shares.

my admiration towards her grew stronger each day.

she's not just anybody, she's unlike nobody.

she's strong,

she's tough,

but she has the heart that is more sincere than anybody else.

she wouldn't try to win anything,

but effortless, she's a winning champion,

she's won our hearts, the people surrounding her.

she's invincible,

and i couldn't be any more prouder to get to call her mom

emotions riddle

like fire i burn, like water i was carried away.
the wind blows and the earth holds me on ground.

a roller coaster ride, but i learn how to master.

i fly, i crawl.
i run, then i'll walk.

swing me, spin me.

stories unfold, a beauty creation.