here comes the regrets

i should've asked you back then.

and you would've probably said yes.

were you waiting for me to ask you that?

was i too numb to actually notice that?

what was i doing?

i know exactly that i still like you,

i still do, very much.

and here comes the regrets.

and the images flashing every time i close my eyes.

do you still care?

do you want me back?

i should've known that you're not that kind of person, who'd try and hold me back.

i should've been more open, and maybe we could discuss, or maybe even argue about it.

i thought it was the best, you said it yourself that it wasn't for you, but you didn't give me the reason.

i guess it's all my fault,

i was too blinded with my mind, as it played its own trick against me.

i want you.. i want you back..

but then,

does it really matter?

would you then take me for what i am now?

or you're just fed up with me, and tired or probably sick with my attitude?

i guess all that i can say..

i'm sorry if we didn't have too much to remember,

i'm sorry if i wasn't the best,

i'm sorry for what happened, and all the things i've done.

i'm sorry,

i'll send some love and light every time i think about you, and i promise i'll drop it then.

because i know, someone better is coming your way,

the same will happen to me.

and let the good memories stay where they are, and maybe, someday, if we ever meet again :)

eat pray love

"but i love him"

"so love him"

"but i miss him"

"so miss him. send him some love and light everytime you think about him, and then drop it"

-richard from texas, eat pray love

word of a warrior

"if you have to fight, then fight. if you have to run, then run.

do what you think you should do, until you can't think about what to do anymore.

never leave a mess half wrecked.

if it's possible to fix, then fix.

love until there's no more reason to love.

care until it hurts too much to even try.

try to always get back up every time you fall, until there's no more strength left for you to even sit.

then, when a mess is too much of a disaster already, then maybe it's time to leave, make a u-turn, and start fresh.

no regrets, at least you tried."

-karenchristianti2010

mechanical robot

i need someone to tell me what to do.

direct me, i'm brainless.

i'm an immature kid,

playing innocent, acting gullible.

play me, crush me.

i'm blur with my purpose.

wash me, i'm covered, i'm blind.

i try to find the light,

but all i see is that dim light from far away,

almost blown away.

someone pick me up,

cos i'm getting stuck here.

some selfish thought

i don't need anyone,

nah, not now, not for the time being.

it may sound selfish but i'm just fine with just me.

i'm enjoying my time with my friends,

just fooling around, and having fun.

and i don't think i'm ready for something "adult", i may say.

it still hurts sometimes, thinking about it.

all the words and things he's done.

no, i'm not traumatic,

i just need some time to pull myself together.

so, imma let it flow.

i just wanna have fun, and i want to enjoy every moment :)

something new

staring at the stories i've written.

although not all of it makes me smile,

but lessons i've taken to make me someone better.

what should've been done was done.

what should've happened, happened.

and i don't think there's any possible way to turn back time and restructure the path that i've taken to make it here.

i was a weary soul.

shattered and scared.

my fears have taken up most of my energy,

and i didn't look at life as bright as it should be.

i was scattered, as fragile as a thin glass.

but i found that light that has been hanging above me,

and i gather everything that was left,

not to fix what was built,

instead, i prepare myself to build something new.

something that may be worth it.

something that is certain to be better.

broken

tell me how do you fly with broken wings?

with your heart broken,

knowing things ain't right.

nothing's gone the way it supposed to be.

how i really wish you were here,

to shed my every tear.

to tell me that things are gonna be just fine.

in the worst situation, best birthday ever

sebenernya buat gue ulangtaun tuh sama aja sama hari hari lainnya. cuma bedanya, hari itu gue mengingat kalo gue pernah lahir (swt much?)

sebenernya ga pengen ngerayain rame rame, kalo bisa diem di rumah nonton dvd sama my closest friends dan ngobrol ngobrol doang gue mau, terakhir aja gue udah ga ngerayain lagi soalnya males ngurusinnya. i hate crowds..

tapi lalu, kali ini ulangtaun gue yang ke tujuhbelas, dan kayaknya sejak taun lalu ulangtaun gue ga pernah baik. ada aja yang bikin bete lalu resek..

walaupun begitu, malemnya ada lagi hal terbaik yang pernah terjadi ama gue. Tuhan tuh baiknya sama gue super. ga ngerti, di dalem situasi yang bikin gue down bikin gue benyek kayak roti penyet, ada lagi surat yang ngebangun gue dan sangat amat mengcomfort gue.

empat taun perjalanan persahabatan gue sama mereka. empat taun lebih gue kenal gue sayang mereka. empat taun itu yang paling berharga dan ga bakal pernah gue lupain. dan seumur hidup gue, i swear to God, i'll be more than just a frikkin idiot if i ever let any of these people go out of my life.

gue suka di kasi kado, suka banget, tapi gue lebih suka lagi kalo gue tau kado itu di kasi pake effort tenaga, care sama love. jujur material things tuh bisa gue dapetin kapan aja. tapi hal hal kayak gini nih, these things that they've done for me, it's priceless.

somebody else

hey you, yeah you.

how could you act like nothing happened?

coz i know something did,

and there's something in your eyes,

they told me everything, and it wasn't nothing.

don't you know how hard it was?

to make my decision and finally go and try to make my move.

how my mind and heart never meet, and they held me in confusion.

yes, i regret i missed those moments,

i regret losing my chances to have you,

i wish time could go back,

but wishing's all i can do.

now, i wish i was stuck on somebody else.

i hope you'd hurt me, despite the pain,

but i'll be alright,

coz then i'd get stuck on somebody else.

i listen to this song, knowing they could only worsen the situation,

but i still do,

i know i sound stupid and desperate,

but i get even more stupid being all this just for you.

i hope you were somebody else,

somebody who may be worth it.

but i guess it doesn't matter.

i'll go and get stuck on somebody else.

a reminder

hagai 1 : 9 " kamu mengharapkan banyak, tetapi hasilnya sedikit, dan ketika kamu membawanya ke rumah, Aku menghembuskannya. oleh karena apa? demikianlah firman Tuhan semesta alam. oleh karena rumahKu yang tetap menjadi reruntuhan, sedang kamu masing masing sibuk dengan urusan rumahnya sendiri. "

teman teman sekalian, udah lama banget gue ga share bareng lagi ama kalian, dan gue juga udah lama banget menghilang dari perkumpulan gereja. sejujurnya gue sedang mengalami proses jatuh bangun, dan terakhir gue bener-bener dalam ambang kebingungan, dan saat itu juga gue bener bener lagi dalam situasi yang sangat susah untuk percaya ama Tuhan. tapi sekarang gue udah balik lagi, dan gue lagi dalam proses penguatan iman, sebenernya. tapi justru dalam proses ini Tuhan lagi bicara banyak ama gue. secara ga langsung, dia lagi ngasi gue kekuatan lagi perlahan lahan untuk membangun fondasi yang kuat, kebetulan karena pertumbuhan rohani gue dulu bisa dibilang cukup instan, gue rada goyah dan sempet jatoh. jadi disinilah gue sekarang, yang lagi struggle untuk bangun lagi dan mau encourage kalian semua untuk mulai bangkit lagi.

kalo kalian baca ayat di atas dan ngerasa sedikit tertegor, gue sangat bersyukur karena berarti Tuhan mau make gue untuk ngingetin kalian lagi, tapi kalo ngga, i just feel the need to share :) . temen temen, ayat di atas bukan bicara soal berkat jasmani doang, tapi itu juga berbicara soal keadaan rohani kita. gue sadar banget, selama perjalanan gue beberapa bulan terakhir berusaha meninggalkan Tuhan hidup gue kering, gue lemah banget. lemah disini bukan dalam arti physical, tapi mental. gue jadi orang yang percaya dirinya hilang, gue hidup di bawah bayang bayang orang, dan takut banget sama apa yang orang lain pikirin sama gue. dan dari situlah kemudian gue mulai menggali dimana kekurangan yang ga melengkapi gue itu.

temen temen, emang cuma Tuhan yang bisa bikin kita komplit, namun sering kali kita suka selfish dan ga mikirin yang lain. kita mikirin diri kita terus, kita pengen dapet dapet dapet, bukan cuma lupa membagikan, kita juga lupa soal rumah Tuhan.

entah mengapa kali ini gue diingetin soal komsel, waktu gue baca soal rumah Tuhan. guys, coba deh kalo ada waktu kalian baca kitab hagai, itu bener bener bukan kitab yang panjang. isinya cuma ada 2 pasal, tapi sangat menegur banget buat gue.

temen temen, gue ga tau kalo dunia ini bakal punya akhir atau ngga, gue ga bisa ngomong sembarangan karena kalo gue salah ngomong kan bisa berabe, tapi gue tau, dunia ini makin hari makin gila. dunia ini udah memasuki zone kegelapan dimana semua orang udah mulai bingung karena banyaknya variasi, kompetisi yang semakin ketat. tapi temen temen, jangan takut, ini adalah saat saat dimana Tuhan banyak ingetin gue untu kuatkan dan teguhkanlah hatimu. karena kamu diciptakan untuk sebuah alasan. untuk misi yang Tuhan udah siapkan buat elo.

be yourself, karena setiap orang udah Tuhan ciptain sempurna.

dan ayo, kita mulai bangkit lagi, kita bangun kembali rumah Tuhan itu di setiap pribadi kita. terus berdoa supaya Tuhan terus kasi kita kekuatan buat menghadapi dunia yang semakin jahat ini.

dalam setiap situasi dan keadaan, jangan lupa komunikasi dengan Tuhan yah. ;)

God bless.

passion for profession

i think i really am crazy about '3 idiots', the indian movie. but it was really good, and i've take a lot of lessons there.

one of them is making passion as profession.

it was easy for people to say that, especially people who has it all figured out. but for me, who can't even make the right decision for simple choices, i get even more confused.

at this age, some of my friends are starting to have their own ways, although unfortunately we'll have to go our separate ways, they're taking the path they've chosen, they know that it's best for them.

sometimes i would take a glance of the memories i have with them and be jealous.

jealous because they know what they want, and they're going after it.

they know what defines them best.

and i would take a look at myself, wondering.

i'm an average person, and i really know that.

i don't get really good grades at school, and do a little of almost everything.

and that's actually where the problem starts : doing a little of everything.

it gets even worse to say that i don't have a hobby.

yes, i don't have any hobbies. not games, not reading, or even writing, not any specific kind of sports.

i get bored easily, although if i want to, i could really get serious and focused on one thing. too bad, until now i haven't found the right thing to do.

but the hell with all that now.

it's not like i'm gonna die tomorrow, i think i still have plenty of time to get it all figured out.

one more best thing : my story doesn't end here.

so, i guess i don't have anything to worry about.

tanggung jawab

Barusan bokap gue ngambek Cuma karena dia nanya harga wii yang baru gue beli dan gue bilang ga tau. Dia bilang gue ga sopan, tapi gue emang sengaja ga ngasi tau dia harganya, karena biasanya dia bakal ngomel, dan yang kena bakal nyokap gue. Dan gue ga pernah tega sama nyokap gue.

Dari semua keluarga gue kira keluarga gue baik-baik aja, tapi for the last 3 years, I’ve been understanding that we’re not.

Bokap gue memilih jalannya untuk jadi pendeta, and I was actually proud of it, that time. Gue ga terlahir di keluarga yang kaya raya, keluarga gue pun pernah mengalami keadaan ekonomi yang cukup sulit, Cuma aja kita ga pernah ngeliatin itu. Mungkin karena gengsi bokap juga yang cukup gede.

Akhirnya untuk men support kebutuhan kita sehari-hari, all the luxuries and facilities supplied, nyokap gue yang harus kerja. Nyokap gue saking sibuknya gue jarang banget ketemu dia, dan sering banget gue melakukan kesalahan-kesalahan konyol karena waktu nyokap gue kurang untuk guide gue. Waktunya banyak tersita Cuma buat nyari uang buat kita semua.

Baru gue sadarin sekarang untuk di namanya sebuah keluarga itu di butuhkan rasa tanggung jawab yang tinggi. Bukan Cuma dari sisi cowo sebagai kepala rumah tangga, tapi dari cewe juga dan anak-anak.

Sebenernya gue fine-fine aja kalo bokap gue ga kerja, tapi seharusnya dia yang membangkitkan spirit di keluarga ini dong. Gue ga pernah tuh bisa bercanda sama dia, ato have fun. Entah karena dia kurang kasi effort dalam nyoba nge reach gue, ato emang karena dia ga mau. My little sister has always been his favourite daughter dari my point of view. But, I’m actually okay with that.

Buat cowo-cowo, menurut gue cewe ga mengharuskan kalian untuk jadi money maker kok. Selama kalian bisa jadi pribadi yang baik, jadi contoh buat anak-anak lo ntar, bisa pull your family together, I think everything would be just fine.

Intinya, emang setiap orang harus stick sama tanggung jawabnya masing-masing. Gue pun masih belajar untuk tetep megang tanggung jawab gue sebaik-baiknya.

Pegang prinsip kalian masing-masing ya, soalnya dari prinsip kita masing-masing baru lah keliatan siapa kita sebenernya J dan jangan terlalu gengsi untuk tetep belajar dari pengalaman :D

selamat hari raya idul fitri

seharusnya gue ngucapinnya besok sih, tapi berhubung gue ga ngerti jadinya gue udah ngucapin hari ini. tapi tanggal ga seharusnya jadi masalah kan, yang penting minat dan perhatian yang gue udah tunjukkin lewat ngucapin selamat hari raya idul fitrinya, iya ga?! ;)

anyways, ada satu life value yang bener bener gue tangkep dari idul fitri kali ini. gue emang bukan penganut agama islam, namun gue membuka lebar pandangan gue dan hati gue untuk tetep mau belajar dari berbagai variasi agama yang ada di dunia ini (mantap !).

barusan gue ngeliat tweet dari raja karcis, bunyinya "selamat idul fitri 1431h. semoga kita kembali spt bayi yg msh suci di mata Allah SWT. amin."

dan gue baru ngerti kenapa kita maaf maafan di bulan suci ini.

i guess no one's perfect, and we always deserve second chances, third chances, or how many chances are there possible. the point is, semua orang deserve a clean slate, a brand new start every time they mess up. cos in the end, everyone would mess up, right?! :)

jadi muter muter, keliling keliling, tetep aja intinya gue mau minta maaf buat semua kesalahan yang mungkin gue pernah buat, secara sengaja maupun ngga, and then selamat hari raya idul fitri buat yang merayakan yah :D

confusion

i'm awake in reality,

and everything that happened before now seems just like a dream.

i never get the things you do, cos you confuse me a lot.

or was it just me who confuse myself with all these feelings?

nothing is ever precise, now i'm left in uncertainty.

floating, like a paper on the water,

waiting to be picked up before ruined.

panas !

sejujurnya gue ga ngerti kenapa gue ga bisa tidur sekarang.

gue dari tadi kepanasan, dan akhirnya gue mandi,

jam 12:51, dan gue mandi. gila ya.

rumah sengsara banget,

dapur joroknya bukan main, udah gitu botol air yang biasanya penuh hari ini pada kosong semua, dan akhirnya gue harus isi sendiri botol airnya dan baru aja gue masukin freezer biar cepet dingin, soalnya gue haus banget dan pengen minum.

ga banyak yang udah kejadian belakangan ini.

yang jelas salah satu temen deket gue jadian lagi.

gila ya - -" semuanya aja jadian.

tapi tetep aja gue seneng kok buat mereka :)

congrats ya dohoon-astrid.

mudah mudahan langgeng :)

meanwhile, belom ada rencana pasti gue bakal ngapain liburan, tapi sepertinya gue mau cari kegiatan baru yang bisa menyita abis waktu gue, entah ngapain, yang jelas gue ga mau nganggur.

udah ah, gue mau cari kerjaan biar bisa tidur - -" cya :)

bokap lo cina ya?

gue udah mulai merasakan sengsaranya JC. terutama mathnya nih.

curang, si dea pindah ke curtin, dan gue masih stuck disini dengan semua equations dan malesnya gue. tapi ya justru moment-moment inilah yang kayaknya bakal gue miss the most nanti kalo gue sampe jadi pergi.

tapi lucu juga sih kalo di pikir-pikir. pas gue mau pergi, gue sedih banget sampe ga pengen pergi. giliran gue di kasi buat stay, gue malah pengen cepet-cepet cabut.

susah ya jadi orang yang banyak maunya :)

belakangan gue banyak makan juga nih, tapi untungnya gue seimbangin sama olahraga yang banyak juga, jadi berat gue juga ga naik. sayangnya tenggorokan gue sekarang gatel. kayaknya gue ketularan gitta deh. anak-anak di kelas udah pada mulai sakit. yaaa, mudah-mudahan gue ga ikutan ketularan deh.

gue juga sekarang join futsal. udah ga basket lagi. rasanya ga mampu. hahah. dan gue masih suka banget sama thai boxing, walopun sekarang waktunya lebih limited karena udah sekolah. tapi i will find some time to go there.

about my love life. i know it's so personal and ga penting, but i'm still on the look out for a boyfriend, although i don't think i really care about it that much. but yea, having someone to share with right now would be really nice. but then, i don't really mind :)

oh, gue keriting rambut ! jadinya ga terlalu keriting banget sih, tapi mending lah. kalo dulu rambut gue panjang banget dan lurus, paling ngga sekarang ada bentuknya sedikit.

apalagi ya? gue belom ada cerita di share sih.

eh. ada deng !

hahah

jadi gini, kan kemaren gue mau bikin sim. udah gitu pake calo. sayangnya bonyok gue ga ada yang bisa nemenin gue. sialnya si calo nyelipin gue di group alay supaya bisa cepet katanya. sumpah, ga boong gue takut banget. tapi ya habis mau gimana lagi? i could only curse dalem ati, and i was really scared. belom lagi they tried to talk to me. nah, ada nih satu yang rada cina gitu ngajak ngomong gue "kesini sama siapa?" dia bilang, senyum sih. cuma gue lagi bener bener kesel, gue ga pengen ngomong. jadi gue jawab dengan juteknya "supir." udah gitu dia masih nyoba lagi ngajak ngomong, "udah bisa nyetir?" ato apaa gituu, pokoknya intinya gitu lah, yaa.. orang bego macam apa bikin sim kalo ga bisa nyetir coba? trus ya gue jawab jutek lagi, "ya iyalah, masa ga bisa nyetir bikin sim?" udah gitu gue diemin, sambil main hape. eh dia nekat ngomong lagi "bokap lo cina ya?"

sumpah ! gue bingung banget. - -" obrolan macam apaaa ! ya jelas gue jawab "semua cina." terus dia ga enak gitu, terus ngomong "oh pantes mata lo sipit."

dan setelah itu dia ga berani ajak gue ngomong lagi. hahhaha !

cacat banget sumpah.

i am

i might look strong,

but i'm not made of steel.

i might look innocent,

but i'm not an angel.

maybe you're just not seeing what you're supposed to see.

and there's nothing perfect in this place called earth.

a little more effort to look clearer. a little more care to understand.

not trying to show, not trying to hide.

just the way you should try to find out ;)

JC 1B

akhirnya gue masuk JC juga.

awalnya gue sebel banget sama bonyok, bokap terutama. soalnya dia kayak udah bikin gue pusing, dan akhirnya pilihan gue juga yang di ambil.

itu nyebelinnya banget banget loh. dan gue cuma bisa pasrah.

walaupun hubungan gue sama bonyok juga masih rada ga enak, gara-gara gue sempet pergi terus hape gue mati dan lupa kasi kabar, dan mereka marah. tapi udah ga terlalu kenapa kenapa sih.

i will have my id card soon !

ga nyangka juga ternyata ktp gue bisa di bikin secepet ini. habis ini sim gue juga mau di urus, dan bokap gue lagi ngurus mau beli mobil baru.

bukannya sombong, cuma mau update aja.

just wanna share some of my happiness :)

tapi untuk sementara gue ga boleh nyetir, sampe sim gue keluar. bokap gue terakhir udah marah-marah. katanya gue ngelanggar aturan negara. hahahah

di JC gue ambil business sekarang, dan gue niat belajar beneran. ya mudah-mudahan beneran gue lakuin lah. kalo bisa juga hari ini gue mau belajar maths. ngejar yang ketinggalan. doain aja mudah-mudahan dua taun lagi nilai A level gue bagus :)

dan gue seneng juga sih masuk kelas ini. emang ni kelas asik banget. orang-orangnya rame. dan walopun ga ada murid baru, yang ganteng (ngarep ! hahah) tapi tetep aja. i think i will enjoy the rest of my academic year with this people.

i love ! ;)

surabaya

gue lagi di surabaya nih. sekarang lagi di sheraton hotel.

sepupu gue is having her wedding here. so, while i'm waiting.

here i am in the lounge, having a quick update.

soalnya susah juga mau update blog. secara gue ga bawa laptop.

dan gue baliknya masih selasa.

kemaren gue sempet sebel banget sama bokap.

bayangin dong, hari senin yang lain udah pada mau sekolah, dan baru hari itu dia mulai nanyain soal sekolah.

tadinya gue hampir masuk JC.

HAMPIR.

tapi sayangnya ga kesampean. dan sampe sekarang gue masih rada worried soal urusan gue yang ke aussie.

btw gue batal ke cina.

my mom was the one comforted me. she knew i was scared.

yes, i was scared of the future and the possibilities.

she told me her story and she really made me feel better.

that's what i like about her.

she really knows how to make people feel better and comfortable.

although at times she could be really talkative and annoying.

but that's just the way i love her.

like the promise i made back then.

i'll be on the top someday.

and it'd be all for her.

for her faith in me.

for her confidence and trust.

can't just explain how much i love her.

surabaya may be a bad place to be right now. but well, i can't runaway eh?

best day ever :)

hari ini glo ulangtaun, dan sempet kita di traktir di strawberry cafe.
tadinya gue mau upload some photos, tapi internet gue lagi rada resek, jadi gue males. mungkin besok ato kapan deh, kalo internetnya udah bagusan dikit gue upload. buat sekarang, gue cerita aja dulu.

paginya glo di kasi surprise, gue udah ngomong sih sama nyokapnya kalo kita bakal dateng jam 2an. trus sukses kita bikin dia kaget. pas pasan kita dateng, dia baru selese mandi. udah gitu, si glo tadinya ga tau kalo jan udah ada di jakarta. jadi surprise tambahan :)

udah gitu mereka sempet karaokean, tapi gue ga ikut. gue pulang dulu ke rumah, soalnya gue rada cape, jadi gue istirahat bentar di rumah. udah gitu kita di traktir di strawberry cafe. tapi pas gue dateng, si jan udah pulang.

sumpah asik banget tadi, gue teriak teriak sampe tenggorokan gue sakit. seru juga ada surprise special dari cafe strawberry nya dan kita juga sempet nyobain jumanji :D it was really fun. and i really enjoyed it.

a better me

i'm reading this book, by joel osteen, tittled "become a better you", and i learned much from it, although i haven't finished it yet.

i was reading the chapter where he was telling us that we should feel good about ourselves. and i agree with him.
so many people are feeling accused with the mistakes and poor choices they've made. they feel down and low most of the time. weeping around, moping for the things they've done, and still not doing anything to fix that. and that used to happen to me too. if you've read my previous posts, i think there was a post where i mentioned that i was feeling very insecure and not comfortable with myself.

the truth is, staring at those pasts, over-thinking them, wouldn't change anything. moreover, it won't do you any good. it would only make you feel worse. and it would hold you back from what you're actually capable of.

it would be such a loss. you should know that we, humans, are created special. we're capable of so many things. we have feelings, and insight that other creatures do not have. and meanwhile, we're just gonna waste that away? making poor choices by going through the wrong path, like using drugs, cheating, and living like there's no hope.

there's always hope. even for those who really messed up.

wake up ! life's too short to be wasted just like that. there are things that you should try, learn, and do.
mistakes aren't supposed to back us down. they're supposed to support us with the lessons we take from it. that's the way it should be.

we should always feel good about ourselves. because we're created special. and though we're not perfect, we're growing and learning. be happy for whoever you are. because you are unique. you are special. and more importantly, you are loved :)

aussie

sepertinya gue batal ke cina.
entah, rencana sekolah gue ganti ganti mulu.
sampe cape gue ngurusinnya, kayaknya gue udah pasrah aja deh. terserah bonyok gue maunya gue kemana. gue pusing mikirinnya.

yang terakhir mau ke cina aja ternyata belom di urusin. tapi sekarang lagi di urusin sih surat surat yang mau ke aussie. yaa, kita liat aja deh ntar :)

just something you should know :)

a thought about kace

i've been thinking about this.

about my comfortable nickname my former teachers from elementary school gave me.

kace.

i've been called kace for so long now i feel weird to be called karen.

but then, soon, i'll have to let go of that name.

as i'm growing up, i don't think i'll stick with kace as a nickname.

kace.

it sounds so homie,

so comfortable,

that's why people who doesn't know me that well wouldn't call me kace.

because for me, that name is special, somehow :)

kace has its own memories. she'll bury those treasures safely. and as for karen, she has to move on, she has to grow. there's still so much to learn, to achieve and to embrace.

her name. is. karen-kace

nonton bareng di grand mahakam

cina

gue ngamuk sama nyokap gue.

MARAH. BANGET.

masalahnya urusan gue ke cina belom beres sampe sekarang. gue belom daftar di sekolahnya, dan dia ngomong ngomong terus gue bakal ke cina.

SAMPAH.

dia tuh aneh. masa minta tolong temennya, yang udah jelas jelas keliatan kayak ga mau nolong. gue sih MALES. BANGET.

udah gue bilangin minta tolong agent aja.

tadi udah ke agent sih, tapi ga tau deh. kalo sampe dia masih ngotot mau urus sendiri. SUMPAH.

udah gitu di bawah rumah gue tuh ada tempat les. tempatnya enak gitu, dan emang ada program buat yang mau pergi.
sayangnya karena nyokap gue ANEH. gue end up les private di kebon jeruk.

okelah, gurunya bagus, cuma kan kalo gue les di kelas kayak gitu gue bisa dapet temen dan gue ga sendirian di cina.

ANJRIT SUMPAH GUE PENGEN NGAMUK MAU MARAH KESEL BANGET GA BOONG.

lo tau ga sih, anaknya temen nyokap gue yang mau ke cina tuh ada temennya. trus gue sama siapa? ANJIR.

wortel

pagi ini perut gue sakit banget ga nahan.
belom lagi badan gue sakit semua.
sengsara banget sumpah.
mana mata gue belom enakkan, masih kayak rada berat gitu.
udah gitu, mestinya besok gue nonton bareng final world cup nih sama yang lain,
cuma nyokap gue ga ngasi. tapi ntar gitta mau ngomong sama nyokap gue sih lewat telpon.
ya mudah mudahan aja di kasi.

sejujurnya hari ini gue males banget ke gereja.
emang gue ga pernah niat sih ke gereja, kecuali ada temennya.

oh iya, soal mata gue yang ga enak. gue jadi niat makan wortel yang banyak nih, biar mata gue ga minus lagi. hahah.
tapi kalo ngemilin wortel gitu aja ga enak kan.
terus gue ber ide,
gue makanin wortelnya pake mayonaise sama sambel, tapi wortelnya di parut gitu, biar kayak salad yang di hokben. muahahah. i'm a genius !
sama gue juga mau rutin minum vitamin a.
soalnya nyokap gue udah ga ngasi gue pake softlens lagi.
jadi yaa, mudah mudahan minus gue berkurang deh setelah gue rutin ginian hahah

the doors

for me, opportunities are like doors.

i believe that you've heard about this quote that sounds like :
"when one door is closed, God will open another."

not that i don't believe in God. but i believe that we also have to do our part in our lives.
like opening these doors for example.

many people are just so lazy, they think when they sit down and wait God will open the door just like that.
but hey ! wake up ! it doesn't work that way.

when you wait. you pray, you work, you put your best, you open the doors.

but when the doors are locked, it's when God will do His part to open them for us.

it's just the way it is.

i know it's all complicated, and you have to experience it yourself to actually understand.

but keep in mind that He's always there, watching over us :)

new experiences

mata gue bengkak.

badan gue sakit.

dan gue cape banget.

but the last two days has been really fun.
akhirnya gue nyoba juga thai boxing. di daerah darmnawangsa, dan sumpah itu seru banget. and best of all, i've got to burn some fat, although it was very exhausting. but i did have fun.

kalo ada yang tertarik thai boxing, bisa nyoba tuh di jln. panglima polim 2 no.2 di deket darmawangsa square. harganya cuma 50rb per dateng, tapi enakkan pas malem sih kata su lyn. kalo pagi latihannya lebih serius. kalo malem, lebih kayak asik gitu.

terus tadi pagi gue sempet ikut cooking class di ranch market.
sebenernya asik sih. cuma karena gue ga ada temen. dan gue stuck sama ibu ibu semuanya, jadi rada membosankan.
nah kalo di ranch market ini, harganya 150rb per class. dan dia adanya cuma tiap sabtu doang. terus tiap minggu menu sama chefnya beda beda.
lebih seru kalo bawa temen sih buat aktifitas kayak gini :)

yang belom kesampean gue cobaihn itu wall climbing. katanya sih ada di pasar festival, di daerah kuningan. tapi si kharis lagi sakit. dan gue belom ada temennya nih mau kesana hahaha. jadi mungkin gue nunggu si kharis sembuh dulu :P

habis itu gue juga pengen gokart. sama pengen naik kuda.

kalo gokart sih kayaknya temen gue ada yang tau tempatnya. nah tinggal naikkuda nih.
denger denger sih di daerah cinere ada. tapi masih ngga tau deh. liat ntar lah. kalo misalnya gue udah coba, ntar i'll share my experience with you guys :)

"we don't wait for opportunities,

we create them."

-anand krishna, youth challenges

and empowerment

happy birthday dad !

who am i?

i found myself to have a very low self-esteem today. when i was in th mall with my sister.
it was bothering me for a while, and i was actually asking myself a lot of questions.

i have an identity crisis a few weeks ago. more like a month maybe.
it was a time when i really don't know who i really am, and i was having doubts.
seriously, it was horrible. but every teenager would go past through this sequel, as one of my friends who takes psychologic as a major once said.

i don't think i have to go on the details on what actually made me feel this way. but i was feeling like i can't trust anyone. not even those whom i thought was really close to me, and understand me. the whole world seems to just go against me, and it was confusing. because i know, right when i make my choice of path, things would be different.

different in what way was the question.

thank God, i've got past through that safely. i'm really grateful i didn't make the wrong choice, and though i'm still struggling to pull myself together, so that i won't lose myself again, i,.. don't think i want to be someone i'm not.

who am i?

i don't think i know that yet.
i mean, i'm still young. i still have many choices to make. and yet, i could change my mind every second and go through different paths of life.

i remember in the "eclipse" movie, there was this one speech that got me. it was on the graduation, when this girl said "this is the time to make mistakes." and i somehow agree with her. maybe life shouldn't be perfect. maybe these mistakes are what's gonna take me right on top. maybe these mistakes could be the ones i'd be grateful of.

but of course i wouldn't do serious mistakes. i mean, i still have my mind, and i would keep myself as much as i could, right on track.

"you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt;

as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear;

as young as your hope, as old as your despair"

-Douglas Macarthur, youth challenges

and empowerment.

becareful what you wish for

becareful what you wish for
author : alexandra potter

finally ! i finish one book till the last page.
it was great though, coz i usually hate reading. but this book has got me interested. and i highly recommend it.
the author has got the story interesting every chapter. and it's changed my mindset about wishes and the way i think about the things around me.

basically it's a story about a pessimist girl, who wishes all the time. and she met this gypsy girl who gave her a lucky heather which grants her every wishes. and after she's got all her wishes everytime she makes one, she takes everything for granted. i won't spill much though, you have to read it !

after i read this book, i thought to myself. maybe it's true. not everything that we want is what we need.
i never actually really comprehend what it means until i read this book.

this is what i think : it's always okay to dream big as long as it's realistic. but then appreciating things that we have is rather important. for all i know God has His own purpose. and we're never that smart to fully understand Him.

so, maybe things happen for a reason.

and maybe we should just go through each day with a bright smile on our faces. thanking Him for everything, especially be most grateful that He cares about us.

i am hamburger

gue jadi nontonin cartoon jepang dengan durasi 2 menitan per episode yang namanya neko rahmen. gara gara mike.

rada aneh sih ceritanya. itu tentang kucing yang jualan ramen gitu. tapi kocak juga, ya lumayan lah, itung itung buat ngisi waktu nganggur gue di rumah.

anyway, hari ini gue seneng banget karena akhirnya ! gue ke mangdu. walaupun kesananya rada kesiangan karena gue baru bangun jam 11an, jadi jam 3an gitu gue baru sampe sana. tapi lumayan, gue dapet tas satu sama celana pendek jeans satu. sebenernya gue pengen banget nyari kemeja putih sama loose t-shirt. cuma karena gue perginya sama nyokap gue, gue ga ketemu apa apa. tapi buat kesana aja gue udah seneng kok. paling ngga akhirnya gue belanja, soalnya selama liburan yang belanja adek gue mulu, gue belom kebagian.

gue akhirnya keturutan beli kamera ! (senyum lebar lebar) walaupun bukan kamera bloggie warna biru yang gue kepengen banget, tapi ya lumayan lah. gue dapet kamera panasonic lumix, 10 megapixel dengan harga satu komaan. sedangkan lo tau sendiri bloggie cuma 5 megapixel dan harganya dua komaan. yaa, buat gue sih apa aja juga jadi. selama masih kamera dan bisa di pake.

habis jalan jalan, sambil nungguin macetnya rada reda, kita makan di rice bowl, di itc nya deh kayaknya, kalo gue ga salah. udah gitu pas lagi jalan ke toilet, gue lagi ngomongin tentang ntar gimana gue ke cina, udah gitu gue ngomong "wo shi hao bao bao" yang artinya "i'm a good child". udah gitu adek gue ketawa, dia bilang "i am hamburger?" ya gue ngakaklah. ada ada aja. walaupun gue masih belom begitu yakin kalo itu artinya i'm a good child, tapi kayaknya bukan i'm a hamburger juga deh. hahahah

i think im in love :0

aren't you happy to live in the same world with these guys? coz I AM <3

i owe her

laptop gue lagi dibenerin. jadinya sekarang gue blogging pake laptop bokap gue, yang bekas adek gue, dan gue baru sadar kalo keyboard ni laptop enak banget. layarnya gede pula.

oke. itu ga penting :P

anyway, gue baru nonton 90210. dan gue tau gue telat banget, secara gue baru nonton season satu, dan 90210 sekarang udah sampe season 3. tapi terus gue jatuh cinta sama adam gregory. dia main jadi ty, dan sumpah ya, tu orang ganteng banget, udah gitu tinggi banget juga. coba aja ada orang seganteng dia di lingkungan gue. dan gue tau gue ngarep banget.

belakangan gue ngidem kamera bloggie, yang warna biru. gue suka sama kameranya yang bisa di puter puter, trus konsepnya yang emang buat blogging, making it easier for me to post pictures, secara kayaknya gue bakal rajin blogging habis ini. apalagi gue kan udah mau ke cina. maksudnya gue mau rajin blogging tuh supaya temen temen gue tetep ga ketinggalan sama cerita cerita gue. soalnya kan pasti susah kalo gue udah di cina, ada perbedaan waktu, jadi kalo online juga belom tentu gue bisa ngobrol sama semuanya.

hari ini mestinya gue ke mangga dua. tapi berhubung gue ga bisa tidur semalem, dan gue baru bangun jam 11, akhirnya gue sempet ke rumah yoga buat nanya nanya jadwal yoga, sempet daftar juga, tapi belom sempet yoga. rencananya sih besok gue pengen nyoba yoga, tapi ya kita liat besok deh. terus gue nemenin nyokap gue ke melawai, buat liat liat perhiasan.

tadinya dia mau beliin gue purity ring. katanya biar gue janji buat menjaga kekudusan. i don't know what you're opinion about a purity ring, but i don't think i need one to have that commitment. lagian gue lebih prefer di beliin pocket camera daripada cincin begituan. akhirnya kita ga jadi beli cincin, dan sambil nunggu supir gue sama nyokap sempet ngobrol ngobrol di starbucks. ga ngobrol sih, lebih tepatnya dia yang cerita ama gue.

nyokap gue cerita ama gue tentang betapa dia sangat bersyukur keluarga kita bisa hidup sebaik ini. karena sebenernya kan bokap gue ga kerja, dan nyokap gue kerja sendirian. kerjaannya juga bukan kerjaan yang pasti, dan income bisa berenti kapan aja. risky. tapi ya gitulah hidup kita, bener bener kasih karunia Tuhan semuanya. i know i may sound religous but that's the fact.

dia bilang sama gue, kalo dia yang ga bisa ngomong bahasa inggris ato chinese. ga punya talenta apa apa bisa punya income sampe 30 jtaan perbulan, gue harus bisa lebih dari dia. sesaat gue pengen nangis. gue tau gue cengeng, dan gampang banget kemakan cerita begituan. tapi dari dulu emang gue selalu pengen bikin nyokap gue seneng. i mean, after everything she's done. i owe her, a lot.

paling parahnya tanpa sadar gue sering nyakitin dia. gue suka kasar, suka ga nurut, suka males sama dia. buat gue, satu satunya cara buat ngebayar semua itu ya cuma jadi sukses ntarnya, terus nyenengin dia.

gue tau setiap keluarga punya masalahnya masing masing. ambil keluarga gue deh buat contoh. sejujurnya gue ga terlalu suka sama bokap gue, sering males sama nyokap gue, dan suka sebel sama adek gue. bokap gue orangnya keras. ga pernah duduk dan ngomong sama gue bener bener ngomong. emang gue belajar banyak dari dia, tapi semuanya gue pelajarin dari nontonin dia doang. nyokap gue? cerewet, suka jayus, ga jelas. dan adek gue adalah orang yang paling tajem kalo ngomong, dan lebih parahnya sering ga mikir kalo ngomong.

tapi hey ! pasti ada alesan kenapa kita di taro di keluarga kita kan? bagaimanapun juga orangtua kita adalah orang orang yang selama ini provide kita dengan semua hal yang kita punya, dan saudara kita. just as much as you hate them, you share the same blood and flesh with them. and they're the only ones you got left when everyone turns your back at you. they're the ones who won't deny you. or at least, that's what i think.

sunday oh sunday

hari ini minggu. dan berhubung kemaren malem gue susah tidur, alhasil pas di bangunin pagi buat gereja sama bokap gue, mata gue rada perih gitu, dan gue masuk angin. lagi.

mestinya rencana hari ini kita mau ke anyer, adek gue kepengen banget pergi ke pantai for some reasons, the plan was cancelled, dan kelihatannya adek gue langsung ga mood banget gitu. pas kita makan juga yang tadinya dia seneng banget, bacot sana sini, dia jadi diem trus males makan juga. udah gitu langsung sensi sama nyokap gue.

nyokap gue aneh juga sih. sepanjang jalan dia kayak banyak ngomong gitu kan. nyokap gue tuh tanpa gue sadari cerewet banget. nah, tapi dia ga sadar dia cerewet, dia malah bilang "papanya nih ya, cerewet banget." sumpah. pas gue nyadar yang daritadi ngomong itu nyokap gue, dan bokap gue ga terlalu banyak ngomong, dan dia cuma diem doang dibilangin gitu, gue pengen ngakak. tapi gue tahan tahan gitu, daripada di tanyain, ntar panjang, terus gue males gitu. hahah.

akhirnya karena batal ke anyer, jadilah kita sekeluarga ke kebon jeruk, nyariin gue tempat les mandarin. berhubung gue mau dikirim ke cina, ntar september nih gue pergi, terus bokap gue mikir, daripada gue buang waktu hampir dua bulan nganggur, mending gue les mandarin dikit dikit, jadi sampe cina juga ntar gue ga kagok.

udah gitu di jalan, kita sempet diskusi tentang mobil, gue udah hampir di beliin mobil baru tuh. ga baru juga sih, second, tapi ya lumayan lah. tadinya pikir mau di beliin terios. gue udah seneng gitu, tapi kayaknya ga jadi deh. soalnya gue juga disini tinggal dua bulan, ntar sayang juga kalo mobilnya cuma nampang di tempat parkir menuh menuhin tempat. tapi gue di kasi buat make livina bokap gue sih. lumayan lah, gue udah cape sama xenia kuning yang bobrok itu. gila lo, kalo macet, gue mesti pake otak banget buat nyetir tu mobil.

oke, mungkin ga ada hal yang terlalu menarik yang terjadi hari ini, tapi gue cuma bersyukur aja sih. akhirnya hari ini gue bisa ngobrol, yang bener bener ngobrol sama keluarga gue. masalahnya gue tuh jarang banget sama keluarga. hari hari gue selalu keluar, masalahnya gue juga ga betah di rumah sih. bukan karena ada masalah keluarga ato apa. cuma sumpek aja, gara gara rumah gue kecil banget. jadi gue sering keluar sama temen temen yang lain gitu, dan jadinya jarang banget sama keluarga gue. adek gue tuh yang lebih sering sama bonyok gue.

ya gitulah hari gue, gue masih belom tau nih. dua bulan ke depan gue bakal kayak gimana. masalahnya, baru mikir nganggur aja gue udah sengsara. sumpah, gue pengen banget masuk JC, dan lanjut di raffles. gue masih berat ninggalin temen temen, semua yang ada di indo. walaupun gue bakal balik lagi. tapi the thought of ga ada di satu cerita lagi sama mereka aja udah bikin gue sedih :( gue cuma bisa ngarep kalo gue sama mereka bakal tetep keep in touch, dan tetep deket. can't believe i'll be leaving this soon :(

the promise i'm keeping

i look at the mirror, and it's not me i'm seeing.
i find myself in lots of confusion,
and i'm not sure of what to do.

i could only wish, and wishes stay the same.
i pray, but there's been no answers.
doubts started to occur,
and my feet are trembling.

but then i look at her,
the tears she tries to hold,
the pain she's been bearing,
and i can't bear seeing her that way either.

it was once for me,
my life, my things and stuff.
now hope seems lost,
and i was going to go off the road,

now it's all for her,
the one who gave life to me,
the one i love the most in my life,

this is the promise i'm keeping.
and for all i know, i'm gonna finish well, finish strong.

i love you, mom.

promise for my friends

i remember when we first met.

nothing was special, and we don't even know.

now you're laughing with me,

lots of stories we treasure,

and stupid things colored up our lifes.

i don't know what to do if i don't have you,

don't know whom i'll turn to when everything

gets dark.

and before it's too late,

take my hands,

this time together we'll go.

one for all, all for one.

this bond is meant not to be broken,

not by any single thing.

i promise, with all my heart,

i'll give anything, everything,

to make this moment stay,

but as far as it has to go,

then that far we'll go together.

friends,

for without one, different it would be :)

my best offering

i came with a heavy heart, but He took my burdens away.
i was a lost soul, but He said He'll keep me.
i'm clueless with no direction, and He guides me.
i'm scared, the world does seem unfair, and He guards me.

i look up to Him, and He smiles,
and then i asked "Father, what could i offer You for the things You've done in my life? i know i owe You much, and i love You. i'll do just about anything."
His smile brings about peace, and He said,
"Kid, i love you, and i don't want nothing much but your heart. i've given you mine, and you're heart is what i've been longing to have. but then i don't want to force you. i will always love you the way you are, no matter what." and He hugs me real tight.
tears started to fall from my eyes.

the only thing i know is that my heart is the hardest to give.
but the best to offer,
many times i check it over and over again,
trying to let it go and lay it down at His feet.
hard indeed, but His love made it easy for me to do so.

this
is
my
best
offering,
Dad
:)

come and stay

the time will come when i finally would have my chance to meet you
all i know is that i'm learning
and it's all for you

come and stay.
my precious one
and i would always believe in you
happy would we always be

although the storm might strike
and the rain may fall
we'll stand still
and we're holding on

tell me how much people have come and go
and they leave traces all around
pain and memories are kept and forgotten

feelings can grow
and destiny could easily change
but i'm not risking
i don't wanna take what doesn't worth

take my fears away
shed my tears
your arms is where i long to be

so come,
and please,
stay.

a letter for a friend

i feel like losing you already now.
was it even a bad thing when i started it?

no, i don't think i started it, you chose it by yourself.
i could only support and the hell i help you,
and that's because i love you.

i just realized just how much you know me,
and you know me well.

and i'm asking,
will it come for me soon?

i'm alone, and i'm missing.

now i'm looking way back,
and i remember the time you were trying.

funny how it didn't work,
maybe it wasn't meant to be,
or maybe it will never be?

yea, i love you,
i love you so much dearie,
but in another way :)

i'm happy that you're happy,
and i will always understand,
as long as this friendship we're holding
will never be lost.

i love youu :)

insecure masks

i wonder how they always have their masks on
even though i know just how much they hate it

i could see the shadow of their real faces
and i could tell what they really are

and it's not only me,
i bet the others are on their way to uncover it

so what's the point hiding something,
that you know will be revealed anyway?

what's to be ashamed when you're not the only one?
what's to be scared when everything is scary?

expression

all that is hold,
for everything i've been keeping.

the dancing melody,
and the slow time passing by,
but it doesn't always have to be that way.

maybe the rocks should stumble our way,
and experiments could always be fun.

in any ways, we're going to reach the same destination,
it's just about the path we're taking.

being different sure is a big thing,
as we can't resist just to be the same.

but listen,
i know your heart's talking,
and it's screaming.

for inside a human there's a million thing,
so are the ways to let it show.

faces, voices, gestures as for display.
but it all would come to one point.

expression.

the stars

look at the sky and smile,
dance, no one's looking.

here in the open space,
can you feel the wind?

smell the freedom,
touch the soft grass.

lay here, but don't stay,
look up, and remember

the promises i made,
i will never break.

the words i said,
i really mean it.

and though i'm not here with you,
i will always watch after you.

some of the memories

happy birthday chachi

baksos

never thought about changes, didn't we?

secondary three, good times :)

passing by

i wonder how she does it,
as if it was easy leaving,

it was not for me,
it was hard breaking hearts,
but then again, it was inevitable.

can't bear those tears between the smiles,
no matter how much they say it wasn't a good bye,
but i know things would never be the same again.

time flies, people change.
obviously, there's nothing we can do about it.

sometimes i hate it when i have to fake,
i hate myself even more for being numb,
though you may not feel it,
but those words are just plain,
simply don't want to hurt your feelings .

to the hellos and good byes,
i'm walking, passing by,
it's good to leave traces,

no, don't expect anything anymore,
just keep the memories,
for the dreams we're after,
and the stars high above

insomniac

can't answer any of these questions,
they've been running through my head.

insomniac,
i can't sleep tonight.

now you're taking my bed time,
you're taking my rest moment.

i don't even know what to do,
but i regret thinking over these things.

why do i worry over things,
when i know everything's gonna be just fine.

maybe it's just part of human nature,
part that i hate the most.

might as well sleep and never wake up,
might as well stay awake and never sleep.

let the world turn around,
i'll be aware.

insomniac,
just stay till we're done

if you'll let me

little one,
how your face shows the fear inside you,

i see your heart that's shattered,
how you're so much in the dark.

not much that i could say,
but i'm giving you this smile.

i'm offering you my hand,
not much, but it's full of love.

look deep into my eyes,
and believe me that you could always trust again.

the world's indeed a scary place,
but you don't have to face it alone.

now here i am,
only if you'll let me,

i'll stand by you,
and we'll walk together,

with that smile on our face,
telling the world we're not afraid.

but,
it's only if you'll let me

perfect

as i started to realize
the girl i'm looking at seems to have a very happy life.

but then who am i to judge?
who am i to criticize?

somehow the smiles and laughter she shows,
as if life was something real easy.

and i'm looking at another girl,
who seems to be so nice,

hypocrite.
but what do i know?

just as much i want to judge,
maybe,
as much as i want to be somebody else,
or,
as much as i don't want to be somebody else.

maybe, just maybe, it's just perfect to be me

butterflies

i just can't figure it out,
now that you're around,
i'm certainly confused.

i could feel the butterflies when you're being nice,
but the one i want to see is not you,
it kinda hurts when i knew the truth.

maybe i just like games,
i like those that keeps me challenged,
and though most of the time i don't wanna win,
i enjoy just playing it.

let's see if you could change my mind :)

friends i say

it's just comfortable being around you,
talking just about everything,
and though you could be pretty annoying,
but i think i just like you the way you are.

the way you are, the way you talk,
the way you do nothing but you put a smile on my face.
just to see you, just to hear your voice,
you'll put a smile on my face

i don't know what the future's gonna be,
and these things repeating all over again,
i just hope that things would turn out good,
i hope that it will all work out,

smile for me

it was sincere,
there was no expectations,
not even hopes

though it turned my smile upside down,
though it stunned me,
but it wasn't a thunder

i believe in what is real,
i believe in what i could see

i guess that's what made me so strong,
so strong that i walk the street alone

all the things that have made me the way i am,
all the people that left their footprints,
all the memories,
all the treasures, smiles and tears

i have come this way,
and this is what i'm gonna do,
same all over again,

just to see you smile,
that what makes me happy :)

stop

often in our life,we're trying to be someone we're not. trying to please everyone, chasing targets and goals set,which we assumed if we achieved would make ourselves happy.instead i found people getting tired running for life,n it gets even heavier each day to put those smiles as for disguise.one thing i know, is that, my Father wants me to be originally me. He doesn't want me to please everyone, all He wants is that i please Him always. sometimes we need to stop for a while,trying to see things from a different point of view, we don't have to always run. we could walk life. though in the end we would reach the end. it was just a matter of finishing well or not. He has prepared the best for us. it was our choice to go for it or not :)